All through February and March, we became more and more aware of our struggle. It wasn’t until we arrived in Nelspruit, South Africa in March that we made the decision to do something about it. We were scheduled to leave to go back to Mozambique the next day, when Johnny began sinking, and sinking fast. The night before we were scheduled to leave, I looked into his eyes and all I could see was sorrow. He was hurting so much inside, so much that he could barely get through a conversation without tears. But he couldn’t understand the pain and he couldn’t explain why he was hurting.
We decided that night we wouldn’t go to Mozambique, but that it’d be best to stay in South Africa until further notice. It wasn’t an easy decision because it meant we’d be sending off Kara and Stephanie to work on the orphanage project on their own. Although it was difficult, we knew it was the only way we could stay above water… long term.
The next days after our decision, we spent time in prayer and seeking the Lord’s guidance. But our minds continued to deteriorate with every fleeting thought and intrusive lie that the enemy provoked. We felt helpless and quickly realized we weren’t able to do this on our own. So we sought counsel. Someone who could help discern what was going on, maybe get to the root of our pain. That is when we met Daryl. As recommended by the people who ran the missionary house we were staying in, Daryl became our mentor.
After several meetings with Daryl, some issues surfaced that we had unknowingly been dealing with since our childhood. Our clarity came back like a small light at the end of the tunnel. We didn’t feel alone anymore. He hit the nail on the head with the roots of our problems and we began moving forward from there. As we shared and became vulnerable, we realized that we were both lacking a true understanding of the unconditional love that the Lord has for us. Although we grew up with the theological understanding – “God loves me” – in our minds, for many reasons, it never penetrated our hearts.
