For a year I lived in a one bedroom in north Dallas by myself just before I moved to Lubbock. I remember this as the most depressing times in my life. You see when I had to leave ACU and move back home, I found that my home church wasn’t the same. I didn’t feel like I fit in there anymore, that I was forgotten and still too young to relate to the much older crowd there. I was too much of a brat to still live with my mom in our cramped space. So I ventured out and became miss independent. I felt rejected and so I rejected right back. I attempted to do some witnessing and evangelism in Deep Ellum, but in my own strength. I wasn’t talking to God much at that time. I wanted to prove something to Him, but I don’t even know what it was. The darkness in that place overpowered me. I didn’t see any fruit. I got no response from the people I was talking to. In retrospect, I wasn’t there because I had a compassionate heart…I was there to blend in and hide away. And the hiding only got worse. I gave up and thought I was a failure and that I really had no faith because God wasn’t rewarding me somehow for at least trying.
The majority of that year alone I spent crying and holed up in my apartment. I would drive by a fast food place on my way home so I wouldn’t have to go out to dinner somewhere or have someone come to my door and see how pathetic I was. I stayed up late watching mindless TV shows. I did whatever it took to numb myself from feeling anything.
It was awhile before anything changed, but the change did come. I praise God!
Fast forward to training camp. One afternoon at Unicoi, each of us was asked to get a log. We were to write down the burdens we have been carrying onto that log. I came to camp expecting rejection. I expected the staff to see this overweight young woman and just say right off that bat “you won’t make it”. I expected my teammates to think of me as a burden, a hopeless case, anything but beautiful. Why not? It was the lie I’d lived under most of my life. Why would I expect any of this to be different?
Throughout the 10 days at camp…God was melting away the chains of lies wrapped around my heart and mind. Leaders and teammates would prophesy truth over me and for once I received it. After we prayed about what to write on the logs, each of us waited for a couple to call on us and pray with us before beginning a journey. I prayed with three couples and each time, the woman would pray about something in my past that I didn’t tell them about. God knew what I needed to hear to begin opening myself to Him and others. He knew how softly to warm my heart so that I would be ready to receive love.
That walk was the most challenging and beautiful thing I’ve done yet. God carried me up this steep mountain as I carried that log of burdens. He showed me that I was still trying to control my life because I doubted Him to love and take care of me. I had been hurt over and over. Over time my heart had grown cold and apathetic. I had turned inward, but I didn’t know what I was doing and so I was only hurting myself even more. I adopted bad habits, a horrible attitude and bought into the lies that told me I was worthless, unlovable, unusable and I would never escape the trap of laziness. My life had been led by fear and the expectation of rejection rather than life and love and hope.
I reached the peak of that mountain and I crumbled to my knees and wept because I couldn’t believe God would carry me through all my mess. He never gave up on me! Teammates encouraged me along the way, but it was Him speaking truth through them. This wasn’t about physical exercise or seeing if I could make it…it was about handing over my control to the One who holds me in His arms. I’ve never felt such F R E E D O M and joy until now. The whole experience was to the credit and glory of God! He carries me when I can’t carry myself…He loves my soul…and I want my body to love and serve Him for as long as He will allow it.
I see myself with new eyes. My heart is fresh and ready to receive and give.
The climb up that hill was HARD and messy…life is too. But God walks with us and talks with us and carries us through it. He gives us reminders and encouragement along the way through His whisper, through people, through metaphor, through nature and trails and trials that it is good and we are beautiful and made clean through Christ.
