So, there are a few blogs that I have handwritten down but have yet to post. This, is not one of them. This post is something called “word-vomit”. During training camp our team leaders called word-vomit the work of the Holy Spirit. The tell-tell signs are, heart beating fast, possibly some sweating, and blurting out exactly what you hear playing in your head. So, here is what happened last night after praying and spending some time reading.
During training camp we re-learned a couple things, honor, commitment, trust, vulnerability. Things that sometimes terrify the human being. Out of fear we stop honoring our parents, we fail to keep a commitment to ourselves, we forget how to trust fully, and the most frightening things of all…we forget how to be vulnerable with those who love us. Note that we loose all of these out of FEAR.
One night during worship we were asked to leave fear at the door. Some of us walked out of the building, physically took off fear dropped it and left it outside in the cold. We then walked back inside and shut the doors to the building. We were also asked to be “vulnerable”. I don’t think a single adult has lived a life without experiencing emotional pain. Those experiences make being vulnerable nearly impossible anymore. Not that night, not for us. We were told that the space we shared during worship was safe, and we have been given permission by every single person there to worship God in the best way we knew how and nobody would make us feel shame or judgement. Honestly, it has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.
That night we sang the song No Longer Slaves by Bethel Music. This was the first time I ever heard this song. If I remember correctly, I believe I cried until the end. The words not only hit home, what happened was inspiring.
No Longer Slaves – Bethel Music Lyrics
You unravel me, with a melody
You surround me with a song
Of deliverance, from my enemies
Till all my fears are gone
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
From my mothers womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
I’ve been born again, into a family
Your blood flows through my veins
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I am surrounded
By the arms of the father
I am surrounded
By songs of deliverance
We’ve been liberated
From our bondage
Were the sons and the daughters
Let us sing our freedom
You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
My fears were drowned in perfect love
You rescued me
And I will stand and sing
I am the child of God
You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
You drowned my fears in perfect love
You rescued me
And I will stand and sing
I am the child of God (yes I am)
I am a Child of God
I am a Child of God (yes I am)
I am a Child of God (full of faith yes)
I am a Child of God
I am a Child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
Songwriters: Jonathan David Helser / Brian Joel Case / Mark Johnson
That night, I decided to trust. I made a decision and left fear out in the cold. I said yes to being vulnerable. At this time, our team of AIM staff, mentors, leaders and trainers were all carefully listening to the Holy Spirit speak to them. If they felt God had a word, a few words or anything for someone specifically then they would go up to that person and speak over them. As this was happening the worship leader asked them to go around and lay a hand on someone’s shoulder and pray for them if they felt the holy spirit telling them to pray for a specific person. But only if the holy spirit lead them to.
Now, here’s is a fun Marilyn fact, my whole life I have asked God to show off. To give me signs. Internally and admittedly I always feel that there is always a pinch of doubt when asking for such things, in fear that God will not come through. Well, ask and you shall receive Marilyn! We all began to sing a specific line:
“You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
My fears were drowned in perfect love…”
In those few seconds it took to sing it and process that line I heard all kinds of thoughts, fears and doubts going through my head.
1. What are you doing here?
2. God has called you Marilyn.
3. Stop being afraid, God called you to do this and he will get you there.
Finally, I made a request.
4. God, if you are taking me on this journey, funding me as needed, providing for me…you will have someone place thei- TAP.
I didn’t finish my request when already there was someone behind me praying over me because they felt the Holy Spirit tell them to do so.
You see, I admit it. There are many fears that come with committing to this call.There are a thousand fears, doubt, leaving family and loved ones behind, not being at home in the familiar. One fear that we all have is fundraising. The last few days I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. I have felt anger, sadness, and fear like never before. I am now certain that it is the enemy blowing things out of proportion. I have felt more anxiety the last few days then I ever have in the past months. I was so overwhelmed with all of this that I forgot the enemy only uses the weapon we give it. The enemy is powerless with me because my God is greater than this. Last night I snapped out of it thanks to my team. They reminded me that God uses these moments to teach us to run back to him and to trust in him. Trust that everything God has called me to do is already taken care of!
Psalms 34:4
“I have prayed to the Lord and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.”
Philippians 4:6-7
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he’s done. Then, you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard hearts and minds as you live in Jesus Christ.”
It is such a simple act, small, yet so big. All I needed was to pray and talk to God. Trust. Trust that I am not doing this alone. I am a child of God and I am not forsaken. God sent his only son to free me. I have been called, chosen, and freed by the king of all kings. $10,000 is not an obstacle big enough for Him. This week taught me that fear, anxiety, and doubt can be used by the enemy but God can grow me with them.
