A swell of emotions welled up inside of His chest. His eyes focused on the woman crying at His feet saying, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.” He could hear the voices around Him stating their frustration, lack of faith, disappointment, and scoffing tones. This warranted a wave of anger that flooded through His veins but then….but then…seeing the intense grief and loss that this woman and these people were feeling His heart melted, His vision blurred…and then “Jesus wept”.
I know this is a weird way to start out a blog about training camp. But for real…how do you truly explain the process of brokeness and healing? Training camp was powerful! It was hard! It was fun! There were miracles…so many miracles. People were physically healed. People were set free of pasts, addictions, and pain. Many were given a sense of purpose. Many received the true revelation of God’s love. Even as I sit here thinking about all that God did I have tears streaming down my face as I am overcome with pure joy at the thought of what God did….and you see…that is my miracle…at Training Camp…in the backwoods of Georgia…God took my dead, wounded, and numb heart and touched it…and taught me how to feel again. He taught me how to weep. Yep…weird I know…let me explain.
Long ago as a child through a series of events I purposed to never allow anyone to hurt me or cause me pain ever again. I built up walls and defenses to keep people at arms length. My defense mechanism was indifference, which lead to numbness, which lead to no feeling whatsoever. I laugh now seeing that God was able to tear down those pathetic excuses for a wall that I had been building for more than twenty-four years in less than a week! He did this by using the most effective tool anyone could ever use…persistent, passionate, and tender love.
It’s not that I never had a relationship with the Lord. No, in fact, my desperate need for more of Him and less of me brought me to The World Race in the first place. The only time I would feel anything was through my times of praise and worship to Him. So I knew that there was something to this emotional and feeling thing. Actually I had actually been praying for the past couple of years that the Lord would give me emotions and feeling….and that He would just let me cry. I would read the story of how Jesus wept (the story at the beginning of the blog) over and over again and would cry out to God asking Him for the ability to feel like He felt for the people around Him.
Training Camp was an unexpected answer to prayer for me. I cried more in training camp than I remember crying in my whole entire life. It started with a moment of willingness to be vulnerable. At first, it was uncomfortable but it quickly turned into a moment of surrender and release. And the best part about it was that I was surrounded by community that sat with me and didn’t try to fix my problem, that’s God’s job, no they sat close and cried with me, felt with me, and loved me.
My prayer for those of you who are reading this is that God would shatter the perception that I once had, that those who show emotions and feel are weak and unstable. For how can you show love if you have not felt love? How can you show compassion if you have not felt compassion? How can you live a joyful life if you have not felt joy? I challenge those who are deep feelers to realize your strength and to not view yourselves as weak and unstable as the world has portrayed you to be. And I challenge those who have not truly felt the Lords joy, compassion, presence, and love to press in and to ask the Lord to experience Him in a way that you have not yet experienced Him. I promise you…its worth it.
As I prepare to go into the nations all I can say is that I now feel equipped and ready. I am free. I’m going to say that again….I am free!!!! What did God do for me at training camp? First, He taught me to feel. It prepared me for this year in the mission field. Because of what He has done in my life I will be able to not just show but also actually feel compassion for the poor that I encounter. I will be able to not just show but actually feel love for the orphans and widows I encounter in their distress. And I will be able to weep….I wish you could understand as I sit here typing with my emotions welling up inside of me and tears streaming down my face how profound this truly is! I will be able to weep and feel sorrow over the young girl forced into prostitution and who does not know her value. And I will be able to weep with joy when the love of God is revealed to her for the first time and He places a sense of purpose in her. I will be able to feel as my Lord and Savior does for His creation. And through that I will be able to love as He loves His creation. For just as Jesus wept over His creation…therefore so will I!
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If you feel lead to donate to my World Race (11 months in 11 countries bringing the love of God to all we come in contact with) You have no idea what it would mean to me! My goal is to be completely funded by the time I leave in July 2013. I need to raise $15,500. I need $2,862 exactly to be able to launch in July and $11,862 to be fully funded. I am well aware that it will take a complete miracle for this to happen! Lucky for me I serve a God who does miracles and loves to give to His children. I need your help! Be a part of the miracle! Lives will be changed for the good on this trip (mine included  ) and although you may not be able to physically go you can be a part through your giving! If you want to check out exactly what I'm doing go to www.thworldrace.org. All donations are tax deductible. Then you can subscribe to my blog and recieve updates on the many miracles, salvations, and lives changed that you have helped make possible through your giving!
Love you all! Joyfully, Marie Olson |
