*Play video above*
What’s wrong with me?? Why am I not broken?! Am I desensitized to it all?? When did I flatline and stop hurting for MY people??
I wrestled with these thoughts for a couple of weeks. All around me I would hear stories of my squad mates having encounters here in my homeland that wrecked them. They were torn and brought to their knees crying out, “Where is God in this place?” or “Why isn’t my God their God?” And here I was in my bed wondering why I wasn’t having the same thoughts. More specifically, why wasn’t I breaking for these people?!?…MY people!!… in the same way they were…
Kids running around with no shoes and no underwear, babies with overgrown stomachs, houses made out of scrap pieces of metal, families scrounging trashcans for dinner… I had seen it all before. Was it because I had been exposed to this before that I had become immune to it all??
Heartless. How could I be so heartless…?!
In what appeared to me to be a momentary lapse from grace, I had started to believe the lies that the enemy was whispering to me. And with the thickness of the spirit of alcoholism, prostitution, neglect, abuse, lost identity, etc. in this place, it was so easy to be weighed down by the lies and be persuaded that they are truths.
But like a knight in shining armor, Papa came in the knick of time and saved me from myself…yet again.
Oh Papa, You may not always be early, but You are never late.
With a little slap from the Holy Spirit and a lotta bit of encouragement from my teammates, I came to the realization that Papa had allowed me to experience the initial shock of poverty in the Philippines at such a young age so that I could return at this moment in time and be a pillar of strength for my teammates. In a practical sense, God had released me from anxiety and burden so that I could focus less on myself and more on the needs of the people I encounter. In other words, I could be more intentional in the way that I serve and in the way that I love on others. How cool is it that Papa wants to use ME to be a reservoir of His peace from which others could strength?!
But of course I was getting in the way of myself. OFCOURSE! God had graced me with an unfazed, steadfast spirit, but I had mistaken it for emotional/spiritual numbness. Typical.
The irony of it all was that my wrestle with unbrokenness was a form of brokenness!
You see, in my attempt to seek the things that break Papa's heart, I had failed to consult Him. I was praying for brokenness but not once did I ask Him what "being broken" meant to Him and what that looked like. He has since revealed to me that "brokenness" comes in many forms; it doesn't necessarily mean breaking down and crying. It could mean a call to action ie making a conscious decision every day to be with and pray specifically for people who are poor in spirit.
The reality is that only those who strive for a goal can be discouraged. So when we align our goals with God's and find ourselves struggling, Papa is simply creating opportunities for Him to be glorified and to extend the reach of His kingdom. And that journey of being the hands and feet and heart of Jesus Christ…that is brokenness.
