….is hard. You enter into a state of vulnerability that's somewhat uncomfortable. The good thing is, it breaks chains and ends soul ties.
So, here I go. For all the world to see. I hope this blesses you somehow.
I did YWAM in Nashville and I loved my lecture phase. My outreach was a little rough. I think we let the enemy get ahold of too many good things and we just couldn't figure out a way to make it better. It happens, our flesh fails sometimes. I learned and I moved on. What came from that experience though were some insecurities. Insecurities that were holding me from my identity that God called me to. I grew to be terrified of praying out loud. I felt like no fruit would produce and I wasn't good enough. My "vocabulary" wasn't good enough. In London and Nepal, I didn't see much of anything. I grew weary and tired. The other insecurity was comparison. I started comparing my walk with The Lord to others, prayers, EVERYTHING. I just thought that these issues would pass over and I would somehow get over it. Well, God didn't think so. I had let these take over my life. I know I'm called to be a prayer warrior. I know that I'm anointed and God has empowered me with so many things. My heart was hurting. My soul was so broken.
So while I was in Honduras I had this dream. In my dream there was an owl. This owl kept making really scary faces at me and then eventually came into the room I was in. Then the owl turned into satan. I immediately said "GET OUT IN JESUS NAME! JESUS JESUS!!!" I continued to say that and then satan said "you can't do anything to me" and walked out. Then this man came in and said "isn't it embarrassing when your prayers don't work?"
I woke up feeling ashamed and so little. That was God saying to deal with it and it was time. I shared with my team and Brent mentioned I should probably ask for forgiveness on my actions and behavior during YWAM. I should never view anyone as being unworthy because of my insecurities. So, I messaged my team and some other people and asked for forgiveness. A huge burden was lifted and their response was amazing.
Forgiveness is real. It's powerful. It's life changing. My heart is being molded and transformed. I'm sorry if I've ever treated you differently than God has called me to.
Love y'all 🙂
