One of the hardest parts for me mentally about the World Race is this feeling I have that I am nobody special. That I am not the right person for this trip, and someone more qualified, or more passionate, or more adventurous than me should go instead. But no. God chose me. And not just that he scooped up me and 30 other young people into a group and plopped them in the same route, but that he said, “I want Marianna Kathryn Harris from Richardson, Texas. Marianna Harris who danced Ballet and Tap for 15 years at the same studio in Dallas with two of her siblings. Marianna Harris who was homeschooled for 15 years of her life. Marianna Harris who attended 4 different high schools in 4 years. Marianna Harris who attended community college, and then dropped out of Texas State University her Sophomore year due to severe depression and anxiety. Marianna Harris who’s been reading and writing stories and poetry since she was 10 years old. There is no mistaking the one that I want.” So here I am.
See, I don’t feel special or worthy, but Jesus says I am. I never planned to be an overseas missionary, but Jesus says I will be. I don’t want to leave 2009 Sage Valley Drive- my home, my childhood, my comfort zone- but Jesus says I will. I am simply responding in obedience. I am terrified. I’m terrified of feeling lonely, of having nothing but newness surrounding me. I’m terrified of having no one to depend on but Jesus. What a humbling place to be. I am terrified of the tears, the vulnerability, and the intimacy that this Race will be. I am terrified that I will fall in love with the people that God places in my path. I’ve never let myself love and be loved in such an open, unashamed way. I am terrified of heartbreak when inevitably I will have to leave it all behind. Will it be worth it? To experience such radical love. To open myself up, to let people in, to let people affect me. After all, what have I to hide that God doesn’t know about?
For some reason God chose me specifically to go on this Race, this route this year. I feel so unworthy, but I believe God will change me. I cannot wait for that transformation. He calls me special. He calls me chosen. He calls me beloved. How can I say no to that?
I see Jesus wading through the untamed, overgrowth of my mind. His hand brushes softly the tops of the swaying thoughts. He stills the ocean rising in the distance, and calms the wind rushing in. He kisses the breeze hello and embraces the fear farewell. He smiles at the scene surrounding him, at the quivering child hidden by the brush. He calls it good.
~Marianna Harris
“go bravely; go deeply – or do not go.”
