This is real, this is happening. For many months I have got it in my head that this race isn’t happening. It’s a subtle feeling, yet so destructive. I’ve been feeling so defeated. This morning I woke up, and something was different. I had life and fight in me again.
I need to remember. Remember what it will feel like when I’m walking across the red sands of Africa, remember what it will be like to hold the hands of impoverished children in China. I am going!! THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!! I don’t want to forget how exciting this is and how excited I am. In 6 months I’ll be standing in line at the Atlanta airport, saying goodbye to all that I love and hold dear. I’ll begin my physical journey in pursuit of a spiritual journey.
I really don’t know how this is all going to happen, I have $5,000 to raise by May 1st, and $19,200 to raise by November 30th. God will provide. I don’t know what to expect.
There is something mystical and magical about not knowing. There’s a freedom to be surprised. I suppose, it all depends on how you look at it, but today I am choosing to find freedom in the unknown. I can’t mess up God’s plan, I don’t take Him by surprise, and I don’t disappoint Him. When I’ve spent months wandering around in darkness and fear, I come out of it and find Jesus is still there. He never left me, he just closed my eyes for a bit. But what’s crazy to me is that in that season of darkness where it feels like I can’t see my own hand in front of my face, God sees me. I wrote this little poem about a week ago that says it better than I can in prose.
When I reach out in the black of a cave
You see me, like a Bluebird in winter
This just hits home for me. In north Texas we have Cardinals and Blue Jays that pop out so vividly from the bare dead winter trees. I think that’s how God sees me. He knows that the in-between is the hardest and darkest part for me. He knows how the waiting is like a heavy foggy mist, but it doesn’t last forever. The in-between is where I am tested; will I choose to follow Jesus into the unknown even though I cannot see? I find that I have a lot less faith in the waiting. It is hard to imagine God being faithful when all I can see is the chaos of my own mind. But maybe the chaos of my own mind is what God wanted me to see all along. Maybe he gave me the darkness so I would appreciate the light in a whole new way. Maybe He knows what He’s doing! It takes faith to believe these things and find the silver lining, and today I’m choosing to do just that. I believe in a God of miracles.If He wants me to go on this trip around the world, than I will go. I have faith that he will shine a light, and open my eyes to see His wonderful works. This is real, and this is happening, folks!
~Marianna Harris
Every night
I write
to fight
