I had to laugh a little bit when I read my last blog, which was filled with total excitement and eagerness about going on the race. I came up with a bunch of fundraising ideas.. spoke to people, family, local businesses etc.. looked up all the gear that I’ll need to go on the race.. all with total trust in the Lord. Then it came down to actually stepping out in faith, and the Devil whispered in my ear over and over again.. Saying things like:
-It’s been three months and you haven’t raised near enough money. You’ll never make the deadlines cause all of your fundraising ideas have failed miserably.
-Everyone else is great at this whole blogging thing, trusting in Jesus timing through it all, Jesus seems to be at the center of everything they do.
– Do you even have any spiritual gifts to provide to your team?
-You So aren’t ready.
-You’re own family doesn’t think you can do this, why do you?
-Look at all the things you’ll miss if you go?
Here’s the thing, I’ve been thinking about the past and my future A LOT lately and while there is nothing wrong with finding pleasure in the past or feeling excited about the future, at all. It’s just a matter of the heart. For me, I like to glamorize the past and romanticize the future when the present is all I’ll ever live in, but moments are fleeting and opportunities are disguised as time so I’m praying for a shift in focus; because what this ministry means to me, I don’t want to throw away my chance.
But at the same time I don’t want to do it! The idea of asking anyone for money feels wrong on so many levels. I’m tired of asking and no only responding to my pleas. I don’t want to avoid conversation with the cashier who had a bad day because I’m preoccupied with a fundraiser I have to set up for. I don’t want to listen to a friend talk about her struggling faith only to have the thought of thank you letters I forgot to write flood my mind. I don’t want to focus my attention so intently on my launch that I miss out on June and July and . I want to be present in each moment, allowing the Spirit to lead me in each conversation, each act of love, and each silent prayer.
Yet it’s SO easy to cave to the pressure of the enemy. Sometimes when I hear those whispers I forget that they aren’t nothing more than lies he puts in my head to slowly pull me away from what I know to be true. I just can’t seem to escape from them, no matter what I do, and coming to the realization that I never will has been a long hard battle.
The good news.. God has the ability to calm all my storms, which means He can do what I definitely can’t when I give in to my strong will and decide to finally turn all my trust to him. This last month has been filled with anxiety, many tears, and almost backing out of the race. And now I laugh, because all it took was a FEW MOMENTS with my God to tell me it’s going to be okay. He wouldn’t have called me to this if this wasn’t what I was supposed to do, and that is one thing I am sure of. He will provide for every need, whether it be the funds I need, the gear I need, shots I’ll need, the strength and courage to tell the world about Him, and the friends who calm and encourage me when I can’t stop crying out of fear.
And that is why I Will be going on the World Race- because EVERYONE deserves to know and have the chance listen to the God who loves and provides for His children, rather than be beaten down an enemy out to kill and destroy them.
