Who Am I?!?!
Those three words have been the cause of many tears over the last few years! I’ve spent years trying to find myself in my family, my work, my friends, and in relationships with guys. The thought honestly never crossed my mind to try and find myself in God!
Growing up with 5 SIBLINGS makes for a big family and often left me feeling invisible, I knew that my parents loved me but sometimes it was easy to forget that when I myself felt forgotten! So I allowed myself to become invisible! I stopped trying to just be myself and would mold my life and “wants” to match those of the people around me, I put myself into this box and labeled it “Mariah” but that was never me! Over time I became the girl in the box, and when I would try to break free of the box I would become overwhelmed with this thought “What if no one likes the real Mariah?” so I would push myself back into the box, and continue to be the girl I thought everyone wanted me to be!
The feeling of being invisible has followed me for years! Something as simple as someone forgetting my name would trigger this feeling of not being worthy enough to be remembered, or thoughts of “We’re nothing special, so why would they remember you?”. For years I clung to those lies as a part of my Identity, I didn’t even recognize those lies as lies! I let those words the devil told me, and the things that hurt people would say to hurt me shape how I saw myself!
I let the lies that the world tells girls that you have to be a certain size in order to be worthy of love led me down a painful down of constantly feeling rejected and unwanted! But then it wasn’t just the world telling me these things, it was people who are supposed to love me unconditionally telling me “you don’t need to eat that much!”, or “Be careful with how much or what you eat… you don’t wanna end up looking like so and so”! Then when I put on weight I would hear things like “You should really look into a getting a gym membership!” or “You really shouldn’t sit around all day, you need to be more active!” one time I even had someone tell me “Well if you lost some weight guys might be more interested in you!”. Those words have impacted my life more than anything!!!
When I left to go to Peru the last thing I thought I would be the hardest thing to learn and yet the most valuable lesson is Who Am I!! But not just who am I, Who does God say I Am!!!!
In the first few weeks, I was here someone said something to me that has been on my mind every day since, they simply said: “If you could just understand how amazing you are, and how God sees you, instead of what the world thinks of you, you could be Unstoppable!”, I remember thinking at that moment “I know who I am!”!!!
Boy, was I wrong!!!
In the weeks that followed, I really began to pray into “Who Am I”, and just dove into the scriptures to find out who God says I am, and what he slowly began to show me broke down so many walls, as well as open so many wounds I didn’t even realize existed! I started to see the lies for lies that they’re! I began to heal from past pains I had put into a box shoved into the darkest place I could find! God knew I needed to unlearn the lies I’ve told myself I am in order to fully accept and love who God says I am, he knew that unless I recognized the hurt of my past as being part of God making me into who he knew I could and would be, that I would never be able to fully embrace Who I Am, and how my story has always been the story he wants me to tell, and that he wants to use to build his kingdom!
So now I know you’re dying to know, Who Is Mariah?!?!
I am not the size the world wants me to be… I am Made in the Image of God, Beautiful, and Perfect by his design!
I am not Invisible… I am Seen and Loved by God!
I was born to be Loved!
I am worthy of God’s Love!
I am being used by God!
God longs to be with me!
God sent Jesus to Die for me!
God has redeemed my story for His Glory
I am a textbook Enneagram 2
I am a Servant of God
I am Learning to love Who I Am
I am Chosen by God to live this life!!
It hasn’t been easy having to choose every day to live out these truths, but day by day God is teaching that all I need his word, and to give myself the grace to be able to mess up every now and again.
Every day I’m learning how to love Mariah Anne Mastriano
Every day I’m learning more and more what it means to love, be loved, and share Gods love!
I wanna ask y’all to hold me accountable to these truths, and to call me out when I do or say anything that isn’t a part of these truths, or a part of the truths God has given us in his word!!
Well, It’s officially the last month of my time here in Peru and I can’t wait to see what else God is gonna teach me, and what he has already taught me that he is gonna continue to water!!
Until next time, Mariah Anne Mastriano is signing off!!!!
