Ahhh. Here come the tears again.
Goodbyes are ALWAYS the most heart-wrenching things you could do on a mission trip, especially if you’ve built a really good connection and relationship with the people you serve with on the daily.
Thursday, March 5th, was one of those days. I dreaded going to my last class in the evening. I knew it was coming. I knew it’d be my last time turning the fans on. I knew it’d be my last time greeting the kids as they came into class. I knew it’d be my last time teaching themEnglish. I knew it’d be my last time reading sentences out loud and listening to them repeat them after me. I knew it’d be my last time seeing all of their faces. I knew it’d be my last time hugging them. I knew it’d be my last time with them. I knew it’d be my last time saying, “good job,” super enthusiastically to them. I knew it’d be my last time making silly faces with the kids in the back of class. I knew it’d be my last time getting cheese hot dogs from the meat lady and eating it in class. I knew it’d be my last time pulling apart those stools we had to sit on. I knew it’d be my last time hearing, “goodbye teacha, see you tomorrow,” except you know, we wouldn’t and that crushed me. I knew it’d be my last time in that class. I knew it’d be my last hour with them.
I began to cry before class even started. I couldn’t help it. My heart started to tighten with the hurt of already missing them so so so much. They kept looking back at me and saw the sadness in my face. They looked concerned, especially Lî (Lee), the teacher, who is now 15. One of the other teachers we taught with wasn’t there, and that just made me cry even more because that was gonna be the last time I ever saw her. We have a really good bond. She’s like a little sister to me. He saw me cry harder and he didn’t know what to do, so he called over another teacher to comfort me. Another teacher came and kneeled and put her hand on my knee and basically told me that it’s all gonna be okay, which I wasn’t in the moment, but I knew God sent His comfort through her words.
Class began and I was still crying haha. I remember literally crying out to God that I couldn’t do this, that I couldn’t bear this hurt in my heart, that I couldn’t be strong for them. And He told me it was okay to feel what I was feeling. My squad mate, Callie, who has become one of my best friends, kept telling me to take deep breaths and to not cry yet, even though I was already doing so. We had this class and taught together these past six weeks. She began to cry, too, which comforted me in a way, but still, our hearts were hurting as time passed.
Class started off the same as usual. Lî wrote the unit and review up on the board in both English and Khmer. The kids copied it in their journals. About ten minutes later, I started noticing something was different, so I put my phone in front of the door and hit record.
Lî called me up to read the sentences for the last time. I cried during all them lol. He kept telling me to be strong, and that’s when I noticed a crack in his voice as he started to tear up when I looked at him. After reading, I went to go sit down next to Callie again. A few minutes later, he started to erase the board and then he called the both of us up to the front of the class. We didn’t know what was going on. My phone was still recording at this point. All he told us was that he had a surprise for us. We looked at the kids and they were crying too, which just hit us even harder and made us cry that much more. Some kids were writing something on the board, but we weren’t allowed to look at it. Lî turned us around. Another couple minutes went by and that’s when we started bawlingggggggg our eyes out…
He counted to three and the entire class said this:
“I miss you so much my teachers. I love you my teachers.”
Callie and I bursted into so much pain in our hearts and we were overwhelmed by emotions. We bawled so hard. It didn’t help seeing Lî and the kids crying too. Then all of them came up to us, handed us notes, and hugged us a couple times. So much love was given and received. I wiped their sweet tears off of their faces as they would hug us. Callie and I hugged a couple times, too, just comforting one another in the moment we were experiencing.
Lî asked if we had anything to say. I said a couple things and Holy Spirit prompted me to pray over them, so I did. It was beautiful. I remember I slightly opened up my eyes and I saw all of them with their hands crossed and their heads bowed. Then it was time. It was time to hear the last goodbye. Why had time gone by so fast? Why couldn’t we have stayed just a tad longer?
Lî motioned them to stand up again and say their usual phrase whenever we’d leave class, which again, was, “goodbye teacha, see you tomorrow.” I remember looking at Callie as they were saying it and we both nodded our heads “no” because we wouldn’t see them tomorrow or ever (unless God wanted us to come back)…and I’m pretty sure the kids understood that after they said it because then they cried more as we did too. 24 minutes and 10 seconds was recorded to remember forever.
Class ended with our final hugs and goodbyes. It took us awhile to leave the classroom…we just didn’t want to. Some of them stayed just to hug us again. One of the girls came up to me and gave me a small rose and said she’ll miss me. Oh. My. Heart.
The tuktuk ride home was hard. Leaving the school was hard. Sitting on the cabana at home was hard. But something really cool was said by one of my squad leaders, Hannah. I don’t fully remember the exact wording, but she said something along the lines of, “how amazing it is to cry over something so beautiful and meaningful that God gave us.” That hit me hard.
And so, as I write out this blog post with lots of transparency and emotion, I pray that God gives you something beautiful to cry over too. I encourage you to tap into your emotions, whether you naturally do or you hide away and escape from it. I encourage you to ask for His peace and comfort during that moment. He will give it to you. God wants to remind us He’s there in those moments, easy or hard, and all the time. He wants you to know you are worthy of His love not just through Himself, but through His people – that there are people out there, near and far, who are willing to love you as He does with kind words and generous actions.
These next few goodbyes with our ministry host and his family and all of the teachers we served alongside with will also be hard, but it will also be good. God will never give us things we can handle without Him.
2 Corinthians 12:10, “That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
