A couple of weeks ago I read Heather Tobey’s World Race blog about how God had brought SO many amazing and powerful healings to her squad while on the field. Heather and I were on the same squad briefly before The Lord took us in different directions, her blogs have always been so wonderful and ooze from top to bottom with Godly wisdom. She is an amazing daughter of the King!
While I was reading her blog I got to the part where she shared that the Lord has given her, since she was a child, a vision of how He sees her. For those who didn’t read her blog she said she saw herself in a wheat field, with a crown of flowers on her head running wild and free while wearing a long white dress. Such a beautiful picture that gives us. So pure, so whole, so FREE. That’s how the Lord sees her (and you as well).
But there it was. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A huge pang of jealously overwhelmed me like nothing I can explain. I was so jealous of my sister in Christ. You see, I have been praying for several months for the Lord to show me how He sees me because I am stuck in a world that obsesses over the perfect body, the perfect height, the perfect skin and the perfect style. But every time I prayed I never got a single image. Not once. It was frustrating.
I felt like the sibling at Christmas that asked for a certain present all year and wanted nothing else but that present yet sat there and watched their sister unwrap their present only to discover that it was the one I wanted.
A whirl of emotions came over me.
Jealously being the strongest but right behind was insecurity of my relationship with My Father. Followed by guilt because I felt that my own demons were taking away from the story Heather, my sister, was trying to share to glorify Our Father.
“He that is jealous is not in love.”
– Saint Augustine
I started to think “Am I not good enough? Why does she get visions and I don’t? Do You love her more? Do You even hear me when I pray? Whats wrong with me?”
I started to bawl. Full on crying like a baby, throwing a temper tantrum over not getting what they wanted. In the midst of my sobs I realized that I had been jealous for a very long time and not just over Heather but over anyone who seemed to have a deeper relationship with God than I. I wanted what they had.
All my sins came up like word vomit. My insecurity with God due to all the times I have fallen in our walk together. Terrible sense of self worth because I didn’t treat myself or my body with respect in the past. It all weighed heavy on me and the book of Lamentations couldn’t have worded it any better:
“my sin had formed a yoke around my neck”
– Lamentations 1:14
Oh, it didn’t just form. But it grew more and more every time I tried to come before God covered in fig leaves like Adam and Eve instead of coming naked, raw and broken like I really was.
As the enemy was having a field day with all my sins and insecurities I decided to run to the community God had given me to get through these times of unworthiness. I ended up in the living room of my small group leaders house.
There in that house, in that room, life sprouted from death. Like the legend of the Phoenix my end was only the beginning of something new. At the time I did not know that one of the girls living in the house has the gift of visions and she started praying for me, asking God to show her how He sees me.
When I arrived she had a list of four things The Holy Spirit had showed her about me.
1. She saw stars and me praying over a village in the night
2. Me sitting on an elephant
3. Me hand washing stained white clothes and hanging them up on a line
4. Me picking up and blowing dust into butterflies
I sat there and cried even more but not out of sorrow this time but tears of joy. God had been so faithful when I was faithless. All those months I thought I needed to be shown how He sees me but I didn’t. He waited until I humbled myself and came before Him raw. He waited until I really needed it then He comforted me and held nothing back for my own profit.
These four things were so significant to me because they all explained an area in my life that needed healing… and needed it now.
The first one confirmed that The Lord does want me in the mission field at some point in my life. The elephant means royalty, strength, stability and patience all which God showed me that no matter how unworthy I feel I AM a part of a royal family because I am the daughter of a King. Hand washing the stained white clothes was the Lords way of telling me that’s how easily sin can be washed away and even after the worst stains He can make anything pure white again. The last one was a representation of my life. My life before God was ashes, dirt, nothing but he turned the dust into beautiful butterflies which signify joy and spirituality.
The point for this blog is to encourage those who await their spiritual gifts to not get discouraged, don’t let jealousy win your heart over but pray and be steadfast in Our Father. He does love you, He does care and He made you for a special reason. Please don’t think any less than that. Run to the community He has provided for you and if you don’t have community then seek, seek, SEEK.
I also encourage everyone to cast aside their fig leaves and come before the Lord and His throne as vulnerable as you can. Humble yourself and know that God will bring what you need WHEN you need it, not when you think you need it. And once you are humbled, you might find yourself lost in a sea of grace, community and pure love.
“But we cannot escape the embarrassment of standing stark naked before God.
It is no use trying to cover up like Adam and Eve in the garden.
Our attempts at self justification are as ineffectual as their fig leaves.
We have to acknowledge our nakedness, see the divine substitute wearing our filthy rags instead of us,
and allow Him to clothe us with His righteousness.”
– John Stott
Love,
Mariah
