So, here I am, month 6- the halfway mark and my thoughts have went to, “I want to go home.”
People always said that when it becomes this time on the race that staying present would be hard, or that you would have the desire to go home- I always laughed at them! I thought, why would people want to go home?? Why is it hard to stay present??
Here I am, pondering what it would look like to fly back to America early. I’m met with guilt, and Satans attacks in my brain of God not wanting to finish what he’s started on the race.. I’m met with the tempting thought processes of comforts, and things that allow me to love on my community back home… as I was talking to my mentor today, he shed some light on my brain activity..
As a child growing up, I was in company with adults that I trusted and loved, but the things they promised- time, love, or even trips had never come through- and I became very disappointed. Something that was brought into the light was that I as a human have a defense mechanism that wants to protect myself. In order to do that, I don’t allow people to get close to me, I don’t allow people to make promises that I myself cannot provide for myself, nor do I allow myself to have risk because I’m terrified of being let down.
I have not allowed myself this month to get closer to the Lord because I’m terrified that he will not come through. I’m terrified that beings I still have fundraising to do that I will wait for him and he won’t show up. I’m terrified that people will bring sin of mine into the light and I will be rejected for my thought process.
I’ve been walking in a lot of fear lately and my mentor called that out. He said that while you could leave the race, you’d probably be making a big mistake because the Lord currently has you on a huge gold nugget that he still wants to develop things in and through you.
So here I am, I’ve decided to continue saying yes to the Lord, to not allow Satan to have a foothold in my life, and to continue to persevere and believe that the Lord still has work he wants to do in and through me on the race.
I am going to take a huge risk and continue to ask for finances to come in. I want to stay on the race and go through to Europe. I have about $1,700 that I need left for my fundraising goal. If you have the ability to provide some finances, I would love to have you partner with me! God is good and he will continue to reveal himself to me, but I’m choosing to stay on the race! Please partner with me on this journey! I appreciate your love and support! 🙂
