Today I turned 22. But I will be honest, everything in me didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. I woke up already feeling the attack of the enemy….. I woke up already feeling defeated. My mind couldn’t stop racing. The lies were clouding my thinking.
I knew it was going to be a battle of worth. It was going to be a battle to believe that I am worth being loved and cared for; and that my life and who I am holds value and meaning. I honestly didn’t want to celebrate my birthday today, because I didn’t think I was worth it.
Believe me, I think that everything the enemy is wanting me to believe is stupid. Yet, I still struggle to fight off the feelings that those very things (I know are stupid) aren’t true.
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My mind is a battle field. The spiritual warfare is waging from within. It is a battle I have been facing ever since I left training camp along with the many other fears and insecurities that have been brought out into the light. I am not the only one, many on my team have already brought their battles out in the open and in need of prayer.
Even though I learned so much about fighting at training camp, I can easily say that some days I have not fought well. On those days, I have chosen to lose that battle. I have believed the lies and I have let my emotions consume me. I have allowed that in return to effect the way I love others and affect the way I let it rule my day. On those days, I have not fought with the weapons I have been given. I have not fought with the strength of the Spirit and I have not fought with the victory that I actually already have in Christ.
Some days it will be a struggle to believe truth. This isn’t just something for myself to understand, but for each one of us to know– because we all struggle to believe truth at times. However, we will have to choose to believe. We will have to fight to believe.
So, even if the feelings subside or continue to stay, I will choose to fight. I will not allow isolation to become my day. I will not allow my insecurities to progress but allow the Lord to shed light on the truth of what He thinks about me. I will allow Him to shed light to what is true about me.
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One thing that was spoken at training camp that impacted me was brought in a question. The question basically was, how can we speak the truth of someone’s value and purpose if we cannot believe and know it ourselves? Truthfully, we can’t. Basically the Lord reminded me of that question this morning and said–
“When you believe you are not important and you are not worth anything, you say what I have created (which is you) is trash. You say I have made a mistake. You say that what I create is not good enough. How is it that you can look at someone else and see their value and worth and even say ‘God doesn’t create trash’ to them, but yet you cannot believe that about yourself?”
He then brought up some scripture from Psalm 139 and told me to go read it. The words He expressed to me were–
You have been intricately woven together. Your very being was put together by me, exactly in the way you would be. Your sensitivity was created and designed by me. I, myself, am sensitive. I know you- inside and out. I know you to your very core, and I know those inner things you may not even fully understand.
I have chosen you. You were created for such a time as this. Yes, I have great plans for your future where you will prosper, but don’t let that stop you from seeing the purpose and greatness I have for you now, in this day. You are loved, my child. You are chosen, my child. You are mine, my child. No lie that is spoken over you, and nothing you have been told or that you yourself have chosen to believe before will EVER take away the way I feel about you. It will never take away the value that I have created you with.
Those are the words Jesus has given me. Those are the words He has told me to take and grab ahold of today. Those are the words He has told me to believe when the feelings resurface again. And those are the words Jesus has given me to give away. Jesus loves you deeply. You are important. You are loved and cared for. Never settle for thinking you are worthless and never think you are worth-less.
In Christ,
M.
[ P.S. I am so grateful for all the love and encouragement I have received, especially for those who have shown me the love of Christ on the days I have been hard to love. Words cannot fully express how much it has meant to me. Thank you! ]
