Let me paint a picture for you…
The sun is blazing down on your skin, and you have your head tilted up to the sky soaking in the rays. The light pours through your closed eyelids reminding you that the sun is still shining even if you aren’t looking directly at it. You are sat in the middle of a huge grassy field on a rice mat, with goats and the sound of cows and children playing football (soccer) off in the distance. Because of the blazing sun that you are under, your skin is covered in sweat, and mosquitos buzz all around you occasionally landing, for a rude harassment of your personal bubble and a meal. Worship music is playing in your ears, and your chest feels a pressure on it that seems to be burning you from the inside out as you try and listen for truth. You are struggling because you miss so desperately the people and comforts of home. You feel lost because you wonder if God has decided that he isn’t going to speak to you anymore, and you are meanwhile being flooded with triggers and memories that poke at now raw and exposed wounds. 7 months in to this journey that you chose, and you, right now in this moment feel like you are completely broken. You feel like you are failing because you miss home, and you are struggling to stay present and zealous for what you were so on fire for in the beginning.
This is not easy. You’re tired.
You’re tired of living in community, not because you don’t love them or like people, but because it’s hard to find rest. You’re tired of being away from those who seem to effortlessly know you, and choose you. It hurts everytime someone reminds you of a pain that you know all to well, and you’re left with the choice to let it push you down or to bring it to God for him to speak truth over it. Your mind spins thinking about the people that you’ve left back at home, who may forget you. People that you worry will simply become accustomed to your absence in their lives. You feel that you are truly transforming into a new being, with new ways of seeing things, and it feels great. Yet, it terrifies you because it’s hard to recognize yourself at times. This isn’t a bad thing, but it creates a hurricane in your heart because it seems to be all uncharted waters, and yet and still you have to be fully present. “Don’t miss what’s right in front of you because you’re thinking about the what if’s”, your heart screams at you. Chaos, anxieties, tears, and frustration with yourself starts to swell up. “Why am I here again, Lord?!” You cry out to him because you’re desperately trying to figure out what to do, and frustrated because you wonder if you really have changed at all. Then, he simply whispers in your ear, and sends his spirit to rest with you.
Peace begins to seep into you, as you recognize the sun coming through your eyelids as more than just heat and light. He reminds you, that he, the SON is with you. Even when you aren’t looking directly at him, and your struggles take your eyes off of him and bring your attention to focus on the waves of chaos that your spirit may feel in growth, he is still there. “Look at me, daughter. I am with you, and you are not failing. You are having a hard time, but that’s okay because it’s in the struggle that perseverance grows and character developes. Hope comes after that, so keep pressing forward,” he smiles and says.
My heart has been in a turmoil at different points this year. I tend to be very critical of myself, and yet have tried to hide a lot of my feelings from even myself for so long. The funny thing is though, I absolutely can’t. It always found ways to manifest into unhealthy behaviors and self destruction or isolation in my spirit. I have spent so much time at war with myself trying to live perfectly, while at every failure kicking myself into a victim mentality. God has put a mirror to my face, and has been teaching me that it’s okay to feel hurt, to look at raw, ugly pain and shortcomings, and to FEEL them. But the circumstances that I’m in, no comforts, and the inability to let myself give up has been pushing my spirit closer and closer to a place of freedom.
I am not perfect, and I am not going to come back completely without struggle or doubts at times. I recognize this. I WILL be coming back home with the understanding that I am imperfect and that’s okay. It’s okay to miss home desperately and to be tired. But the thing is, I CHOOSE to shift my perspective to continue moving forward. I have decided to feel and validate my heart, but still push forward and see myself with patience and grace like God sees me. I choose to appreciate my people, privelages, and independence at home when I get there, more than I ever have, because I have seen and felt what it’s like to go without. Without proper nutrition, a bed, running water, privacy, or choices. I’ve seen people and things that have broken my heart because of the lack, poverty, oppression, and yet who still have hope.
You see, the thing is that I’ve learned, we aren’t made to stuff what we feel because we find some emotions more valid or desireable than others. We are made to cry, to be angry, to laugh, to marvel, to stand when we feel like sitting, to dance when we feel like stopping, to SEE people and things for who they are, to contemplate, to struggle and perservere. We are human beings, and I am a woman with lots and lots of feelings and emotions. Missing home just happens to be one of those at the current moment. But, I made a promise to myself and to God. I am running this race set out before me, REGARDLESS of the difficult times. It’s not about how we start, it’s about how we finish, and I fully intend on finishing with integrity and joy because I didn’t give up.
That being said, please donate to keep me out here. I am running the risk of being sent home early if I am unable to get the funds to stay, and am still short. I really need your help. Thank you to all who have been with me on this journey!!
