Thinking about coming home, in just 9 days from this year of my life has me really just wracking my brain, and my heart. I have grown, my thinking has shifted, my perspective of the world, and people has changed, and I have realized how little I knew, and really STILL know about the world. I’ve lived with people in close knit community, where our broken edges have at times rubbed up against each other in abrasive ways. While at the same time, I have grown to be completely in love with this group of weirdos all the same. Moments over this last year, I have wanted to quit, go home, and just be surrounded by what I knew for so long at home. My heart ached for the people and places that I love at home, yet, I was faced with the choice of dwelling there, or being present here. I am so glad that I chose to be present.
Coming home, I want you all to know some things about what I’ve learned this year. I would love to just sit and talk to you in more detail also if you want to listen, because I couldn’t possibly put it all into a single blog.
-I see people more clearly for who they are, and am so much more AWARE of individuals, and what it looks like to intentionally meet people where they’re at, and in the ways that they need to be loved.
-My appreciation for all of you has significantly grown, and I’ve come to realize just how much value relationships and family hold.
-Community is something that I can no longer live without. While I have learned that my comfort, self worth, and value is not determined based on my community, it has become such a priority to me now. All around the world, collectivism is the backbone, while western culture emphasizes and prioritizes individualism. This is no longer my mindset. Independence and uniqueness are still able to be maintained while realizing that human beings are made for relationship.
-I may at times grow frustrated, more than I am even aware of right now as I am writing this over the amount of consumerism in the states. So my request is that you are patient with me. The level of poverty that is all around the world, and the wasteful and inconsiderate mindsets that many United States citizens have is really going to be difficult to adjust into. This is not to say that I am above this. Because I’ve had to take a good hard long look at myself over this past year, and realize how I too, have fallen into this trap. I realize that it is simply a lack of knowledge. I also have seen the amount of ignorance that a lot of the US carries when it comes to many parts of the world, while almost every place that we have been takes it upon themselves to be educated on the world outside of their own.
-I see the value so much more now in serving others without an agenda. This whole year has been about serving, and giving out of a place of selflessness. At times this has been rough, because I have been tired, or dealing with my own crap. But truly there is so much value in seeing needs, and being able to fill them with a loving heart.
-With that being said, I have also learned the value of rest, and what that really looks like. In order to be able to give, you first need to take care of yourself. It is so much more difficult to give out of a place of overflow, if you are not allowing God to pour into you, and not giving yourself the time that you need to feel filled up in whatever ways that looks like for you. It has meant this year for me, spending time talking to friends, taking in nature, worshipping, dancing, singing, and even something as simple as validating what I am feeling or what I need without pushing it down or calling it “stupid”.
-I’ve become more aware of my self worth, and how to ask for what I need. Communication is even more so a HUGE part of my life now, and feedback is no longer a scary thing to me. Community living will do that to you.. I will be open with you, and expect the same in return. To all of you at home, please don’t be afraid to communicate with me openly about your needs, or feelings, as I will be doing the same. No more words unspoken.
-However, I have learned to sit in silence sometimes, and that that is okay. Sometimes people need that, and sometimes I myself may need that. I don’t always have to fill in the empty space with words, just to talk because I have the need to entertain or because the silence makes me nervous. This is a huge thing, and at times I may forget this. But this, I have learned through living with a community of 40 other, very different people, as well as being in other cultures where sometimes a lot of words are not spoken, or unable to be spoken.
-I have learned to not accept anything less than to be treated as a queen. I have come to realize my identity, and man is that a powerful thing to come to terms with. At times, I have weak days where I may forget this. But no longer will I sacrifice my worth to people unable to see it in this world. I have learned to speak up and to own the identity that God has given me over this last year, and I am going to spend the rest of my life pursuing that.
-I have learned how to be intentional with the friendships that I have, and to pursue others who are different than me, and may be more difficult. This year has taught me that sometimes natural, quick connections with people can be misleading, while really working for relationships and people can actually be the most fulfilling and deep.
-I have learned to humble myself to the customs of different cultures, in order to love them. Again, meeting people where THEY are at is how we are supposed to love. Not with our own ideologies and self imposed belief systems. At times this has been really difficult, because I have had to change the way that I interact with men, how I am able to dress, what I am able to say or talk about, or what I am able to interfere on when it comes to how people are treated. This has been a tough lesson, but I have realized just how powerful humility, and prayer can be. I will be bringing this home with me, and with a much bigger appreciation for the freedom in speech that we have in the states. We have so so much more freedom, especially as women. This is something to be aware of, and to not take for granted.
These are just some of the things I can think of off the top of my head that I wanted to share with you all. There is a lot that has happened this year, fun and amazing things, and really monumental life moments. I want to share them all with you, and to be able to hear about your year too. Life has continued on back at home, and there has been a lot that has happened in your lives too. So, my request is this. Please be patient with me, and please be understanding in that I may at times break out into random tears, or need to verbally process in the middle of a Walmart, or all of a sudden freak out about the prices of things. Please understand, and don’t take it personally if I cry for the people I’ve met, and grown to love over this year. There may be times when you don’t recognize me, and that is valid, because really I’m not the same person I was. This isn’t to say I am not Mariah anymore. I am just more awake, and value different things more than I used to now. I literally have so many mixed emotions about coming home, and can’t wait to see you all, so just be prepared for lots of stories, and I may just hold on to you a little longer, and talk with you a little deeper than before..
See you soon!
-Love,
Mariah
