So I want to start this off by telling a story. Every person has a moment, or moments in their life that really stand out to them, whether it be for the better or for the worse. Well this one in particular was such a pivotal moment for me because it changed the entire way that I view God, and how he sees me.
My team and I had decided to go to the beach for our adventure day that we are given every week to rest, and just to have some fun and process through what we had been doing. We were given this beautiful house right off of the beach, and were surrounded by so much beauty I could hardly take it. There was just so much lush greenery everywhere. Something you wouldn’t necessarily expect of Africa. Palm trees and beautiful bright orange and yellow birds surrounded us. The butterflies that also were everywhere also completely made this place feel like the garden of Eden itself. It was absolutely breathtaking.
One day, I decided to go up into my room, which was a loft at the top of the house, and pray. I have been starting to realize the importance of this time in prayer and just taking time to be alone. Especially since I am the type of person that loves the constant go go go of things. I know that I tend to get very distracted a lot of the time with people, and just forget sometimes to spend time alone reflecting with God, or simply to just process life. So, this is what I did. I began praying to God that he would give me a tangible sign that he was listening to me, and that he hears me when I talk to him. I have thought for the longest time that God is just this distant person up in the sky that didn’t really ever talk back to you when you speak to him. But then he showed me otherwise.
I asked him to send a butterfly into my window, because there was a lot of opportunity for a butterfly, a dragonfly, anything at all to fly into this window in my room, and not one had the whole time we had been there and had the window open. So, I prayed this prayer hesitantly because I didn’t want to pray something so specific and then be let down if he didn’t answer it. I was afraid it would hurt my faith in him as I asked him, because what if he didn’t send one in..? Yet and still, I let the words come out of my mouth and from my heart. Then, I waited. Sure enough, about a minute later, this beautiful blue and red butterfly fluttered into my window! My mouth dropped for a minute because I couldn’t believe that this was actually happening in real time. I felt like I had entered another world for a second. This was actually right before my eyes, he had heard me!
Then, as I went up to the butterfly desperately trying to fly out of the window to set itself free again I noticed that it was missing a piece of the tail on its wing. I didn’t make the connection until after I was finally able to gently guide this beautiful creature back out of the window to set it free again. As I backed up and sat back down on my bed, tears filled my eyes and I burst out into a full blown weeping session. God had not only heard me, but he was speaking something to me. I felt him say in my spirit that, “the way that you see this beautiful creation of mine, as much as you love this beautiful, broken butterfly, that’s how I see you. You are so precious to me, and I don’t see the brokenness that you think keeps you from being fully adored by me.”
It was in that moment that I felt so much clarity and relief come over me. He loves me in spite of the darkness that I’ve let define me for so long from my past. The mistakes, the filth, the sheering pain that I have carried for so long seemed to just melt off of me in this moment. It literally was as if he had spoken it audibly to me, and embraced me in that moment. The fact that he knew my heart as well in such an intimate way, enough to send me a message that was so impactful in a way that I would understand let me know that he ISN’T just some “distant God” that doesn’t intimately know his daughter.
I am learning, living in community and actively seeking to understand the deepest parts of my soul that have been underneath so many layers of being a giving, fun loving, free spirited person who just loves people, that there have been some fundamental parts of my past and lack of knowledge about why I am the way I am that I haven’t yet dealt with. I’ve been learning that much of what has caused me to be an anxious person for so long, and to feel the need to impress others stems from the root of feeling unlovable by people, and really God. I have simply let my circumstances in my life and past define the way that I view who I am. Many of my experiences from my childhood created several byproducts in my life that became a darkness that dulled my vision of myself and the light that was in me. These byproducts were relying on a relationship to make me feel worthy of being loved and validated. It was partying, drinking, and taking drugs to cope and to somehow figure out the deepest parts of my soul that I thought I couldn’t uncover without them. It was as simple as not accepting that truths that were spoken over me, and were positive were enough. I would simply combat receiving love as much as I craved it, though I thought I knew how to except it. I never really let it set in because I never really believed that I was worthy of having it.
But man, I tell you all this to just simply share the story of the first portion of God rescuing me from this belief. He simply came to me in the form of a broken little butterfly just to show me that not only does he listen and is ALIVE and well, but that he loves me. He knows me. I feel now that I am ready to continue this journey of finding more about who he is, and who I am. He doesn’t see my imperfections, but instead wants to show me how much I am loved, and that is truly the best gift, and tool for life that I can ever have received. I am immensely grateful.
Thank you all for reading this, and I hope that it inspires you in some kind of way, because it literally shifted my entire perception of God and who I am. What a valuable thing to pass on. So I seriously want to encourage you guys to just trust that you are NOT defined by the perceptions of others, or even yourself, but that we are so intimately loved and SEEN by our creator. That just makes us a force to be reckoned with when we know that. NO LIE!
So, I am still short of my fundraising goals, and I need to have another 3,500 dollars donated in order to keep me on the world race. Please, please consider donating to help keep me here on this journey with God, and to continue showing what it looks like to love and be loved by our creator and father to the people of the world. Thank you.
