Each month I ask the Lord for a “word of the month” which helps me focus on something the Lord would like to teach me. Last month He gave me the word “mine” in Lesotho. I took it as God saying it’s “my ministry, my country, my people, my creation”. Which was neat… but I didn’t fully understand it until just recently while here in Swaziland… but that’s for another blog for another time.
This month I prayed into what word would be for Swaziland, and I received the word “invitation”: To invite myself in to the squad, into the community we were living amongst. I really focused on doing that well and felt I was doing well with talking to others beside my team. I enjoyed being in the presence of new people with a new atmosphere. It all seemed to be going well as my team saw me reaching out and was affirming me in my continuous bold actions. I ate by different people, sat by different people on the bus rides, played games with others- it seemed to be going smoothly. I loved how proactive I was being with inviting myself into my squad. I kept up journaling and reading the Bible as well as reading ‘The Shack’ too. Overtime though I realized inviting myself into the squad is good, but God wanted me to invite myself into more of Him. This was a something I hadn’t put any thought into yet.
I soon realized what this all meant- God wants to chisel the bad, no good, terrible, horrible things away and give me something much more- the Truth! The true Mariah Jane He created me to be. God brought to the surface how I have been told so many lies in my entire life. I believed them too. Believed them enough that I let them become my core values for the majority years of my life here on earth. I didn’t know elsewise. I let them define me. I told myself there were true. When someone spoke truth, I didn’t believe he or she. “The darkness hides the true size of fears and lies and regrets.’ Jesus explained ‘the truth is they are more shadow than reality, so they seem bigger in the dark.” (The Shack, pg. 174) I had set my values to lies that had been spoken over me. I picked them up through what people had spoken over me, some may have been from nonverbal communication, others may be from the surrounding culture I grew up in, or even an experience that happened once or was repetitive. I am sure majority of them did not come intentionally from people in my life, but some have. Memories and experiences began to flood my mind: taking summer school classes, being pulled from class for my speech impediment, not feeling like I was ‘good’ to those around me, and the hate letter someone wrote me. I quickly became overwhelmed and discouraged. I had to pray, ask, listen, and reflect about what all went down the last 23 years of my life. I was given the time to ask the Lord: ‘what specific lies I had made as my core values’ and for Him to ‘speak truth into those lies’. Because “when the light shines into the places they live inside you, you start to see them for what the are” (pg. 174). God immediately flooded my mind with 7 major lies that I let define me and He spoke truth into me instantly.
The Lie –> the Truth He spoke to me
- Enough for me
- Not an impairment.
- You are always consciously aware
- I knew what I was doing when I made you
- I see all that you do
- I put you there for a reason
- I hear everything you say
…If that wasn’t vulnerability, I don’t know what was. Wow. I hadn’t realized how long or even why I had kept that crap inside for so long. The Shack reminded me it is because we believe it is safer there. When I was a kid trying to survive, it really was safer there, but as I grew up I was still that kid who was still surrounded in darkness, and out of habit I kept on adding to my collection of lies. I strongly desire to live in these truths all day, every day, for the rest of my life. In order to do so, I will declare these truths over my life and pray God to constantly nudge me to remind me. I know they don’t hold the same power as they use to because they have been brought to light. I long to implement them into my daily life and carry myself taller, stronger, and more confident. I wish these were like a surgery, where it was a major but quick fix… but it’s not. It’s more like nutrition…I have to be careful with what I let myself consume, monitor it, and there’s the importance of exercise to get better and have it become more natural. And there is accountability too, but all in all it is up to me. It’s my choice. God hears my heart and He knows my desires. I know He will stand with me and continue to reveal the Mariah Jane he created me to here on earth. He says, “When you mess up again, ask for forgiveness again. It’s a process, honey, and life is real enough without having to be obscured by lies. And remember, I am bigger than your lies. I can work beyond them.” (The Shack, pg. 188) The things I have learned in the last two months are unbelievable. Although it’s a long journey and process, I am excited to have 9 more months where I can have a community surrounding me, encouraging me, challenging me and bring me lift. I can’t wait for my relationship with Christ to become deeper, more intimate, more real, not merely imagined. Life is meant to be lived with Christ… together in dialogue, sharing the journey together. I get to experience wisdom, learn to love like God’s love… and even listens when I grumble and gripe and complain and… etc. God is so good, so faithful, so ready for me to jump all in. He continues to amaze me.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continuous prayers, encouragement, and support as this journey goes on. I wish I could share more with what God has been teaching me and the pictures and videos I have been taking, but my time is limited, my Wi-Fi is even more limited.
I leave for Johannesburg, South Africa on Wednesday, October 5th with my team. I’ll be there for all of October. So I ask for prayers for safety as my team travels, continuous health, and a continued energy and strength to work along side a new ministry: Impact Africa.
