I came on the world race expecting a whole year of big life changing moments that would change me forever. I expected that everyday would stretch me and that I would grow exponentially closer to God while learning how to better love and care for His people. Sounds pretty reasonable right? That’s what I thought… I mean is it too much to ask that in stepping outside of everything I know I will be changed in the process?
The thing I didn’t expect was that coming on the race I would still just be me. I am now in month four of my race. We are in the Philippines. I have finished a third of the race and left one continent behind. I have visited more than seven countries and checked off countless things on my bucket list. I have been bungee jumping and on a safari. I have stood in front of the biggest waterfall I have ever seen and marveled at its power. I have eaten weird things that I never imagined eating. All that is fine and good, but when the day is over, I have simply lived another day.
I have learned little lessons along the way, sure. And I have definitely had moments when I have seen God working. But why don’t I feel any different. I am still me… the same Maria who has a messy room, likes to sing, hates working out, and enjoys eating fried chicken.
If you ever spend any time around racers who have finished their race, you will hear them talk about this climactic moment in their race when they hit “the point of brokenness.” This is the point in time when God breaks your heart and you come to some revelation about your need for Him. It is the moment all racers aspire to reach. It is in some ways the very reason I came on my race.
For a very long time I have had this dull ache inside me. Not a heartbreak… but a lack of one. A fear that I am numb. That there is something wrong with me that makes me lack compassion and emotion, and the even greater fear that I am the one to blame for my being that way. I spent so many years feeling like I had to have it all together. Like I had to be strong. I wouldn’t let myself feel anything and if something slipped through the cracks I was quick to shut it down and hide it away. Don’t get me wrong, I have experienced heartbreak, but only for selfish reasons. I thought I should have been treated better or I didn’t get this thing I thought I deserved.
But I want my heart to break!
I want to feel something!
I want to be so moved by Jesus’ love for me that I am brought to tears and can’t help but want to share it with others!
I am now a third of the way through the race and not a third of the person I had hoped I would be at the end… some days it feels like I have made zero progress.
I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know what it will take. But I do know that wanting it is half the battle. God tells us in Matthew 7:7 that if we ask we will receive and if we seek we will find. I am asking and seeking, and I will continue to wait on the Lord.
I thought I was coming into the race with reasonable expectations but I am chasing after a God who is in the business of exceeding expectations in unexpected ways. So as frustrating as it is at times, I will continue to trust that He who started a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.
