Have you ever had one of those moments where you are standing in a crowded room and yet somehow you feel completely alone?
This has been me for pretty much my whole life. Now don’t get me wrong, as an extrovert, I have certainly had my share of friends and acquaintances, and I have never had a problem making new friends. But the one thing that I have never experienced is being KNOWN.
Now I don’t mean being known in the sense of knowing my name, what school I go to, what my favorite color is, etc. I mean a true, deep, intimate knowing, the kind that allows a person to finish your sentences and know what you’re thinking before you say it. The kind of knowing that accompanies someone knowing your shortcomings and struggles and walking through them alongside you. The kind of knowing that we each long for in the deepest parts of our souls.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted nothing more than to be KNOWN in this way, and to still be loved.
I am not sure when or how exactly it started, but somewhere through the course of my life Satan got a hold of a tiny piece of my heart and mind by telling me the lie that if someone were to truly know me, to truly see ALL of me they wouldn’t want me anymore. I have believed that the little bit of what I considered to be “good” in me was not worth having all the bad that comes along with it, and that any person who ever tries to love me will eventually figure that out and leave.
This fear, while completely irrational, has impacted my life more than words can describe. I go into every relationship just waiting for the other person to find the thing that will tip the scales and make them decide to leave. I put up walls to keep myself from caring too deeply about anyone so that when they inevitably leave I can just shut down the part of me that cared. And when our season of friendship comes to an end or goes through a dry spell, no matter what the reason, I simply assume that it is because they got tired of having me around, that I wasn’t good enough.
It has felt as if I was stuck in an eternal episode of “always the bridesmaid, never the bride” as I would watch my friends have these deep long-lasting friendships or intimate relationships. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, that they could so easily have these things, but I never could.
Over the past few weeks and months Satan has been trying his best to confirm these fears in my life. He has teased me with the promise of relationships that I would then watch crumble before they really began, and every time I would hear the echo of his lies whispered in the back of my head…
“There is something wrong with you.”
“If only you were more (pretty, kind, selfless, etc…) then you would be lovable”
“You are not worthy of being loved”
Whenever these lies take a hold in my life I not only struggle in my relationships with people but also in my relationship with God. In the desert when I feel far away from God and His life giving water, I feel more alone than ever. Over the last little bit I have felt so distant from both God and the people in my life, struggling with my seemingly never-ending aloneness, but I am not alone! And while I don’t have all the answers for how to shake these lies that I have believed, I know that the first step is to rest in the promises of God.
I am not alone (Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5)
I am loved (John 15:13, Romans 8:38-39)
I am KNOWN (Psalm 139, Hebrews 4:13)
I pray that if you are also going through a time when you feel alone in the desert, far from God and far from people, that you too would grab a hold of these truths. The more I seek out God’s heart for me, the more I find it easier to begin to replace the lies with God’s truths. The father’s heart for us is greater than we could ever imagine and He is the ultimate love story, someone who has KNOWN us better than any person ever could and He still loves us enough to die on a cross so that we can know Him.
