I went into this thinking about how awesome it was going to be to go into the Amazon jungle to preach the gospel. That was pretty much the only thought crossing my mind, not the difficulties that I would face, that our host specifically warned us about.
We headed out bright and early Thursday morning, all packed with our supplies and an excitement to share the Gospel with the indigenous people. As we took the two hour drive to the drop off point, a couple of us were a tad bit nervous, but we still sang and laughed in the car, having a great time.
We got there and all got out, loading up and saying a final prayer before we headed out. Our host Chris, told us all to bring a pair of tennis shoes along with a pair of rain boots. We got to wear our tennis shoes all of about 10 minutes before having to change into our boots though because of the foot and a half deep mud covering the entire trail. If only we knew that this was really just foreshadowing our entire trek! About an hour in it started raining, hard, and literally didn’t stop for the rest of the time. About thirty minutes after that, my boots started filling with water so I had to stop periodically and empty them. The next four and half hours, we trudged through mud, over rivers, through rivers, up mountains and anything else that was needed until we finally came to the village of San Carlos.
By that time we were all completely soaked to the bone and absolutely exhausted. I had blisters on my feet and couldn’t wait to take my boots off and change clothes. We were staying with a woman named Rosa, who is an incredibly sweet and generous woman. I knew that we still needed to do what we came there for though so we all got in a little rest then headed off to meet with the people of the village to share.
It ended up being mostly children that came, and a few adults. We had an absolute blast though. We sang songs and played games with the children. Afterwards someone from my group and one of our Ecuadorian guides shared a message and told them about the power and love of Jesus Christ. We really got to see the Holy Spirit moving in Rosa and saw her truly feel the love of God in her heart for the first time. It was absolutely beautiful to see her experience His love, and know just what it feels like.
When we were done, we all headed back to sleep and passed out. In the morning, we woke up to Rosa stirring around to make us breakfast with a big smile on her face. I got to spend the day with Rosa, speaking to her in my not so great Spanish, but still managing! We talked about her family and about her life out there in the middle of the Jungle. I got to help her do some cooking and watched her prepare a chicken from start to finish, and I mean from life to sitting in a pan!
The day before we had been told that there was a chance that we could get a canoe out of the village so that we didn’t have to hike all of the way out. Chris had injured his knees, and pretty much all of us were in a lot of pain. After a lot of miscommunication, we finally figured out that the boat wasn’t an option and that we would have to hike out. We discussed whether we wanted to hike out that day or wait until the next morning. We were all split on our decision, but by some insanity, we decided to hike out that day. We got a late start though so we knew that we would be hiking some of it in the dark, which we were definitely not excited about.
The second that I put my rain boots back on, I immediately regretted saying that we should leave that day. We finally set out just after 3pm. We were all in a lot of pain at the start but knew that eventually our adrenaline would kick in and the pain would get a little better, and it did. At least for a little.
As we continued to trudge through the deep mud, our feet sinking in every step, and having to use all of our strength to pull them out each time, things started to get hard. Not just physically though. Mentally and emotionally I was really starting to struggle. The inch wide blister on the ball of my foot had popped and sent searing pain through my foot. Up each steep hill, our feet were sliding back a foot because of the mud so it was twice as much work to walk up a hill, as if it wasn’t hard enough already. I was in more pain than I had been in in a long time and honestly didn’t know if I could make it.
The enemy started whispering in my ear that I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t going to make it. He was telling me that I was a burden to everyone and that they all secretly wished that I hadn’t come. Now the smart side of me knew that I wasn’t the only one struggling, but the voice in my head was telling me otherwise. It was saying that everyone else was doing just fine and that because I was weak and not good enough, that I was the only one having a hard time. Tears started to fall as I hiked and I tried my best to fight them. I didn’t want to appear weak or let anyone know that I was having a hard time. I tried to joke but the tears kept pushing their way through.
My final straw though was when I had become really dehydrated and my Lifestraw wasn’t working, I finally had to ask for help. That was it. I absolutely hate asking for help and to me, that was showing that I was weak. Just after asking, I stormed off and tried to not let it get to me, but the tears won.
There I was in the middle of the Amazon jungle, weeping and yelling. Shouting aloud all of the things that the enemy had been whispering in my ear. As my teammates tried to love me and encourage me, I didn’t want to hear it. Natalie was telling me that God was teaching me a lesson and that this is way bigger than just a trek in the jungle or this path that we’re on. I was angry though. Why did God have to choose the middle of the jungle when I’m at my weakest to teach me a lesson, I mean really? I had been praying for the last hour and a half for strength from Him and this is what I get? A lesson?
At that point I had two choices, I could let that whisper in my ear win, or I could keep going and learn whatever it is that God had for me. I have always been afraid that I’m a burden to others around me and that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Coupled with the fact that appearing weak is one of my biggest fears ever, this was just the trifecta of terribleness for me. God was trying to use this to conquer some of my biggest fears and get rid of some of the biggest lies that I have always believed. I’m going to be honest and say that I didn’t have this incredible moment where all of my fears vanished and I continued on in high spirits, finishing strong. That didn’t happen. But I did start to calm down and things got a little better. I was so tired of letting lies run my life and I wasn’t going to let them win this time.
At that point I had a “fake it til you make it” mentality. I continued on and starting smiling until I tricked my brain into being happy. As I went, I kept talking to God asking Him to clear up what it was that He wanted me to learn and slowly but surely I started to get it.
I’m always more than happy to help others and never think less of them for needing it, so why do I have different expectations for myself? Why is it okay for everyone but me? Throughout this trip God has continued to make it very clear to me that I can’t do everything on my own and I think that this was His was of really pounding the idea into me. Well God, I get it now…
I am strong when I need to be strong, but it’s okay not to be sometimes. Simple as that.
The trip back was about ten times harder than the trip there. The conditions seemed worse, our bodies were tired, and even though we knew it wasn’t true, the car seemed to be about 5 miles further than we thought. We hiked for about an hour in the dark, silent, except for whimpers of pain, and eventually made it back to the car. I have never been so happy to see an automobile in my life as I was to see that one!
This trip was incredibly hard in many ways, but it was beyond worth it, and I know that I am stronger for it.
