During our first week in Costa Rica, God was/still is teaching me a new layer to intimacy with Him. I was struggling through a lot of emotions and through the whole process God asked me to keep it between the two of us. To learn how to depend completely on Him.
I am a woman meaning I am very relational. I know the line is very blurred as to men only being task oriented and women only being relational but I know myself. I love to talk, I love to externally process and I love bringing others into what I’m struggling, getting their insights. I’m not gonna lie, it was really hard. Often times my teammates would ask what was wrong and I simply had to say, “this one is between me & the lord”. The ones who had been something similar totally understood but the ones who hadn’t didn’t understand why I wasn’t letting the team in. Don’t get me wrong community is incredible, especially on the race. But this particular lesson was between just the Lord and I.
I remember all the way in month one, one of my teammates would say that. I truly didn’t understand until God walked me through a season of depending just on him. It would constantly hurt my feelings when she wouldn’t let me in because I wasn’t at a place with God where our relationship was intimate enough.
I wasn’t until Ethiopia when God put me in a place with absolutely no communication with my family did I stop telling them EVERYTHING. I processed with my mom & Dad, not with my Father.
*if you are teenager reading this please don’t take this as you shouldn’t process with your parents. Parents are GREAT people to process with because most of them have gone through what you are going through, especially through high school. My parents were incredible growing up and even in Cambodia, so encouraging and had great perspectives!!*
It’s cool to see God’s plan getting clearer and clearer the more time goes by after Ethiopia because looking back at Cambodia I relied on my parents with so much. I needed their comfort and their affirmation but now I get it from God!! I still talk to both of my parents very frequently and it’s always so nice to hear their voices but no longer NEED to talk to them in order to process or feel better. God completely sustains me as my Father and I can turn to him when I need to do anything. I had a conversation with my dad the other day and for the first time in my life it felt like talking to a best friend. Supporting him and talking to him just like I would do with any of my very close friends, it was such a cool but weird at first, moment to be at place of transition from father to friend. I cannot wait to do life with my parents again but with a new look on life, doing life with my friends!
All that said. The process of getting there was hard. That week where I was riding solo with no one else but God riding alongside me. Day after day crying out to God and eventually seeing the fruit of relying on his strength.
I remember one day in particular, it was our off day and I was out, walking through downtown San Jose, feeling so off, not able to shake my feelings but knowing that my feelings do not define me and I need to run from them.
I prayed again and again that day, Lord fill me up with your spirit. Help me through this really hard lesson and help me get to a place where I can love the people around me.
While we were walking I stopped and talked to a man and because Luis was with me who speaks fluent Spanish I was able to have a full conversation with this man, getting to be a vessel. After that moment I felt a little lighter and I felt the joy inside my heart from the Lord.
Again, outside this thrift store we were at was this woman, Luis challenged me to go give her some food and even though she rejected me, throwing the bread at me, which is okay it happens. 🙂 I was filled again, by the Holy Spirit and I felt even lighter.
Then, at the end of our day we were talking with a homeless man who only wanted food and none of our words or love. Getting to buy that man McDonald’s and showing him love through that surged me with so much JOY and completely filled by the spirit.
It was in that moment where I got to internally rejoice with my good, good Father who knew what I was going through and showed me the incredible power of the Holy Spirit. That I am simply a vessel, I simply need to have faith and the good works will follow, the attitude change will follow and the heart change will follow.
I think of The Apostle Paul, in those moments of getting rejected again and again by the Jews. For getting so much hate they beat him and left him outside the city gates to die. Yet, he came back. He came back not because it was the “right” thing to do but because the Holy Spirit was lifting him up when he felt he could go no longer. Thinking back to those days and the discomfort of traveling, of physical wounds and of human emotions like tiredness. Yet, he kept going, I like to see it in my head as him getting stronger and stronger after sharing Jesus with another person. So filled up with the Spirit. It’s crazy what happens when we decide to be willing.
God knew I needed to walk through that lesson alone, to gain no comfort from the people around me so I could find it ALL in Him.
That next day was Easter, the day I was getting baptized. Still struggling so much with this lesson at that point. Every moment a struggle but choosing into being excited for my baptism because I knew what it meant! Symbolizing my faith to others, declaring that I am a follower of JESUS!
I remember saying to God, “okay, this has to come all from you because I am so emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed”. And he did. He completely filled me with the Spirit by sharing my story to my squad, go read my blog about my baptism to hear about the super cool story!!
Then, as Luis was baptizing me and looking directly into my eyes asking if I was going to follow Jesus through the good and the bad. Wow. That was a moment. I remember feeling that directly hit my soul, hearing Jesus through Luis’ voice and I screamed YES because I felt it in every part of my heart. YES JESUS I will follow you even when I don’t FEEL like it.
It was just another part of how beautiful that day was, He knew I was going to be struggling and he used Luis to remind me of what it looks like to make a promise through thick and thin. It’s so much more than how we feel, it’s about the promise we make to the Lord on that day we declare to follow him with everything we have!
Looking back on all the times I didn’t understand when my teammate kept to herself what the Lord is teaching her, I know understand why she couldn’t explain it. It’s just one of those things God will do on His timing when we are ready. It’s not going to be taught through a sermon or a great mentor, it can only be done through the greatest mentor of them all, God.
Saying all of this, we are told in scripture to never hold back anything good the Lord is going in our lives.
//Proverbs 3:27//
‘“Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, ‘“come back later; I’ll give it tomorrow” when you now have it with you”’. I would encourage all of you to not see this blog as a way to never share what is going on in your lives but to see it as, “in the moment” kind of thing. God uses what we go through to minister to the people around us! After that week I shared a brief summary with my team why I didn’t open up and I highly recommend to allow people into your lives but to seek God above anyone else when something is going on.
