This was a hard debrief for me. I spent a lot of hours away in my hotel room processing and talking with God. He revealed something that no one wants to hear, that I was filled with Pride. It hit me like a bullet in a one-on-one with my fabulous squad leader Taylor.
I remember pacing back and forth in my hotel room talking to God, painting with God, worshipping God. God perfectly ordained that whole debrief because first, I scored a room all to myself. Gracie and I we’re supposed to share which is incredible in itself to only share with one other person on the race at a debrief but the air-conditioning was out which made our room hot hot hot! Our team had two other rooms so Gracie went into Jaynna and Elena’s room. At first, I was going to go down and move in with Kae, Kirsten and Amber but something inside of me was shouting, “you get to have a hotel room ALL TO YOURSELF ON THE RACE!!”. Yes, I was sweating but I was alone so, worth it.
God ordained that to his perfect plan because he wrecked me in every way at the debrief and I needed a room to myself to cry it all out and externally process what he was teaching me.
This blog and my blog, “In doing everything I am Doing Nothing” both give perspective on how God wrecked me that weekend in all the best ways. This was also the first time we reunited with the whole squad since Battambang which brought up a lot of negative emotions of how hard the first month of the race was. God redeemed that real fast but he also created a space for me to actually process what I needed to process, very thankful for that.
Here are my unedited notes of what happened:
Dec. 7th, 2018
Hello! It is 6:22pm, so much has happened today. Thank you Abba for allowing a space for me to process out loud with Taylor, thank you for her insights and the ways she spoke as a vessel. After the team leaders were announced I was in a really funky space. I’m not going to lie, I REALLY REALLY wanted to be team leader. I wanted to be appreciated. I wanted to go to the special dinners where all my hard work is honored. I wanted to lead our team on the battlefield with myself leading. I wanted all the glory. A.K.A. I’m filled with pride from head to toe. I literally only wanted this for myself. A true leader is often behind the scenes with God, Doing the hard work of making sure everyone in the pack is doing all right. In Battambang our team rode bikes to the hospital everyday. A true leader is at the back of the bike line. Making sure no one gets left behind. Encouraging and supporting always. Leaders walk in immense humility, because they put literally everyone else before themselves. I see it all God. I see your perspective now, I see your perfect ordained plan for our team. I see how PERFECT Elena is for this position. This doesn’t mean I can’t lead. In fact. Every single one of my teammates walks in some form of leadership and together we represent the body of Christ! Elena has this ability to partner with other people’s passions and helping them by running with them. In Siem Reap I really struggled when my team would vote not going to ICF because God had instilled a deep passion and love for that church in me. Elena saw my passion and would go with me (buddy rule, I couldn’t go alone). She would never drag her feet but genuinely wanted to partner with my passions. In fact, going to ICF so much with me gave her a love for it as well. Lord, thank you for Elena.
For awhile I had held onto this idea that I would be team leader considering I had done a lot of leading in my youth group the year before and I felt like I was best for the job and that is why I didn’t get it. God uses the humble to do his good works. I’ve been reading the life of Moses recently and something I’ve noticed is how humble he is. How he knows with all his heart that he cannot do anything without the Father. Giving him all the credit.
That was really hard for me to walk in but more to realize the pride I was walking in. Going into Ethiopia I had a new vision of what humility looks like but I was still struggling at times. Questioning if there was more to pride. When we first arrived I was struggling with caring what my squad mates think of me which roots from fear and what I learned from my one-on-one with Luis is it also roots from PRIDE.
Pride and fear walk very close to each other. Pretty much pride is anything that points back to yourself. So, you don’t want to talk in front of a large group? Why is that? Because you are afraid of what people think of you? Oh, so you believe you deserve to be seen at a certain level? That’s pride. Pride is the root of all sin. It literally all leads back to pride. When Jesus said deny yourself and pick up your cross, that is laying down pride.
I have leadership skills and I humbly thank God for those but in leadership that means leaving your pride at the door and humbly leading the people around you which is calling them closer to Christ in love and being an encourager. The reason why Moses was a very good leader was because he was one of the most humble people. He knew with all his heart that he could not do anything without God leading him. A lot of leaders try to lead only for them. Me me me. Only for their selfish ambition.
I’m still struggling with pride to this day, two months later. It is very sneaky and really quick something that you are doing for Christ becomes all about you. All about your skills. All about looking good. It’s something I’m daily checking myself for because what I’ve come to learn is I don’t think I knew the definition of a true humble person before the race.
My teammate Elena walked through this when we were in Siem Reap and watching her go through that lead to a lot of conversations of humility. She is brilliant and did very well in school. She didn’t talk about it much out loud and was quiet in high school (not anymore we rebuke all old labels before the race!!!!!). This lead people to comment and say things like, “Wow, Elena you scored a 100 on your math test and you’re so humble about it”. After incidents like that happening so many times over her life she developed pride from that. God revealed to her in Siem Reap that humility roots from selflessness, encouraging others and most of all glorifying God in all that we do. Giving him all the credit. Which made me stop and think, how much credit do I give God for what happens in my life? Because the answer should be always. He is the reason I breathe. He is the reason why anything that happens happens.
FUNDRAISER UPDATE: ADOPT A MONTH!
SEPTEMBER (TAKEN!!! YAYAYA!!!!!)
OCTOBER (TAKEN!!!!! WAAHOOOOOO)
NOVEMBER (TAKENNNNNN!!!)
DECEMBER (taken!!! Whoop whoop!!)
JANUARY (needed!)
FEBRUARY (needed!)
MARCH
APRIL
MAY
JUNE (may or may not be needed, depends what day I get home)
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Ways YOU can Join me on my Spiritual Journey:
1. Pray. I will need a multitude of prayers ranging from strength, wisdom, clarity, love, joy… The list goes on. Whatever your heart desires and feels right, pray. Here in Ethiopia we have a little boy at the orphanage who’s legs don’t work, pray healing over his body please!
- SPREAD THE WORD! Tell everyone about my trip and show them my blog.
- SUBSCRIBE! When you subscribe you will get all notifications when I post on my blog about my trip and any updates!
- If you would like to donate to me still, please donate directly to me and not World Race. I AM FULLY FUNDED but I could always use money to cover vaccinations costs and so on! I do have squad mates who aren’t fully funded, if you feel lead please donate to them and keep them on the field!!!!
Thank you and God bless you all!
