*full disclosure. kinda being transparent. also really not trying to hurt anyones feelings. also trying to express what its like preparing for the Race. also not trying to have people come up to me after posting this trying to feel sorry for me or something, so don’t do that okay??*
i’ve had my feelings hurt more than once because i’ve had to come to grips with the fact that people don’t care about what i’m doing. not everyone, but a good portion of people don’t actually give two flying monkey craps about the things I decide to do with my life. thats really stinking sad to me. I’m human, so i can be selfish which helps me understand how someone can be like “meh, thats not effecting me” or “ugh, that does NOT sound like something i’d wanna do” so they shut down anything you have to say after that. as i’ve been mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially preparing for the race i’ve come in contact with those responses and then some. i’ve had people blatantly tell me that what i was doing was stupid, and that dedicating a year to overseas missions was selfish and that i should stay and help my community instead. i’ve had someone tell me that i should rethink going because i’m prime pickings to get kidnapped and raped in another country(btw thats super rude). i’ve had people completely discourage any victory that the Lord has given me through this experience so far. i could keep going but i’m choosing not to because it makes my heart really sad. but heres the thing… all of these people, some of whom love me with their entire beings, care so much that they cared themselves into indifference.
let me explain. after about 98% of those negative statements were said, the person then quickly followed up with a “but do what you want” or “its your life i’m just here” or “ya know whatever”. they became indifferent because they cared too much. people do that, they care so much about something that they literally just stop caring at all because they think thats safer.
i love looking at definitions of words, especially big words, and i love looking at their synonyms.
so here’s indifference
in·dif·fer·ence
in’dif(?)r?ns/
noun
noun: indifference
1 lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.”she shrugged, feigning indifference”
2 synonyms:
3 lack of concern, unconcern, disinterest, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, apathy, nonchalance, insouciance; Moreboredom, unresponsiveness, impassivity, dispassion, detachment, coolness ?”his apparent indifference infuriated her”?
4 ? unimportance.”it cannot be regarded as a matter of indifference”
? synonyms:
? unimportance, insignificance, irrelevance, inconsequentiality “a matter of indifference”
(LOL i legit copy and pasted this from google)
y a l l, sadness! these words. oh my gosh. it turns my heart into the annoying “crying a literal river” emoji that we all use way too much. have you ever been there though? caring about someone or something so much that you just cant anymore? i know i’ve been there. i decided to never go back there because i personally believe that we are setting ourselves up for failure when we refuse to feel all the feels. i’m sensitive so i get my feelings hurt easily, but i’m also resilient so i get over it pretty quickly. but gah, for whatever reason when people become indifferent about something that I’m called to do (or anyone is called to do) in this season of life it cuts super deep. (just praying i bounce back like john snow after he got stabbed 11 times amirite??) I’ve cried so much just because i was dyiinngg to have these people grasp my heart for the things i was doing for the Kingdom. not in a boastful way on my part, but so that they could be so jesus-hyped with me that we like jump around, squeal, and get really excited about it and then start talking about how good God is and how faithful He is going to be through this entire journey that we start talking super fast to where no one knows what the other is saying (girls I’m talking “first date with the fine guy” hyped, you already know). but that never happened in those instances.
i was discouraged, i felt defeated, and i actually became the “crying a literal river” emojii.
i was praying about one instance in particular and the Lord made me remember the other instances that made me feel like i couldn’t conquer what God has personally placed in my heart. He made me take a really hard look at those people, He made me listen really hard to the words they were hurting me with, He made me soften my heart so i could feel what they were feeling. Wanna know what He showed me? Brokenness, fear, doubt, jealousy, and even envy. He wanted me to realize what i was personally fighting against. what i actually should be praying for. when you’re called into an extraordinary life that’s dedicated to the Kingdom of God, you have to be willing to realize that not everyone is going to be rooting for you. even the people you thought were going to be your #1 fans will be your persecutors, even your family is going to make you second guess everything, even the ones who encouraged you to go after this incredible calling aren’t going to stick around to see it come to fruition. when you become a Christian and fully commit your life to Christ persecution is to be expected. “For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake” Phillipians 1:29.
and ya know what? you’ve got to be okay with that. you’ve got to be okay with looking them in the face when they hurt you and not seeing them but seeing the lies the enemy has fed to them. you’ve got to be okay with surviving off of God’s promises and His faithfulness, because to be honest that’s the only reason you got here in the first place.
1 Peter teaches us a lot about how to handle persecution. it tells us to not be surprised when persecution comes upon us to test us (1 Peter 4:12) but then goes on to tell us that we will be blessed for our suffering, not only because we have eternal life in our Lord Jesus Christ, but because we get to see the His will be done here on earth. It goes on to encourage us and say that there is no shame in suffering for the gospel, but to consider it a great privilege.
reading chapter 4 explains in great detail everything we need to know about what it means to follow the call God’s placed on our lives.
im writing this because so many people see the adventurous, fun-loving, gospel filled side to the world race. they don’t see the pain, the heartache, the lonliness, the confusion, the fear, and the all around trials that have to be faced. i want everyone- future racer to my daggum grandma- to understand that when we decide to say yes to the race, to say yes to God’s call on our lives, its not all daffodils and rainbows. and while people argue we chose this, maybe thats the case for some, but for me the Lord chose this path for me. it hasn’t been easy, i haven’t been perfect, and I’m constantly learning, but its where i’m at. I pray that people understand that when the Lord calls and you answer its messy. but its so so so worth it.
xo-marge
