TRAINING CAMP:
10 days of being straight up “Baltic” (irish slang for cold)
10 days of forced intimacy
10 days of avoiding bucket showers and embracing baby wipes
10 days of learning to eat with my hands and being okay with it
10 days of learning to love physical contact
10 days of accepting portapotties as my new norm
10 days of dry shampoo
10 days of learning how to be a tennis ball and not a bowling ball (still working on that one)
10 days of true family time
10 days of pure unadulterated Jesus.
*DISCLAIMER:It’s gonna get real up in hurr*
When I was 13, I’ll never forget sitting in the backseat of my dad’s black 2000 Toyota Avalon, talking to my older brother Forrest and my dad about some guy I was “dating” at the time and how I just loved him to pieces and bits. I’ll never ever forget my dad and brother kind of laughing and making fun of the situation and me just getting seriously flustered. “I’m being so serious y’all! He’s the best!” I frustratedly yelled at them. We were stopped at a stop light and my dad turned and looked at me with soft eyes and asked a question that would stick with me for the rest of my life.
“Do you love him or are you IN love with him?”
flabbergasted. baffled. bewildered. shook. you name it. That question rocked me to my core;
“Do you love him or are you IN love with him?”
**I was gonna write something super cute & funny about training camp but I feel like I should be sharing this story instead**
When I was 20 I gave my life to Christ, I have loved the Lord with all my heart, mind, body, and spirit since. Or so I thought. Training camp made me wise up real quick. It made me realize that I’m a poser, a fony, a fake. That everything I ever said about how much I loved Jesus was just so surface level. I didn’t realize my heart had a little bit of weight trapped around it that kept me on loving side of the scale vs. the IN love with side until one night a deep pain from my past came to light.
Blindness.
Now some of you reading this may be aware that I’m completely blind in my right eye, but theres a good chance that theres someone out there getting a hold of this blog who has no idea.
Training camp makes you take your heart out and take hard look at it with the Lord. All the cracks and chips, all the bruises and scars that never properly healed right get brought to light so that you can bring it to the Lord. So His healing hand can make you whole, so that you can receive His truths, His love, His kindness, and His compassion. I thought I’d taken care of my baggage, I thought I was in the clear. Until one night we talked about healing.
Imagine my surprise when I got PISSED off at God. I haven’t been this mad since before I got saved. Listening to a man speak about the powers of the Holy Spirit and how he was able to be apart of the healing of blind people just straight up infuriated me. I saw people get healed that night, physically and emotionally. & you wanna know what I did? I sobbed. I got pissed. & you wanna know what happened? God broke me. He broke my heart, He ripped a 14 year old scab off of my heart so I could hurt and heal. He listened to me yell at him in the middle of nowhere freaking Georgia and He revealed the part of my story that kept me from being IN love with Him.
When I lost my eye sight when I was 10 I don’t remember being too upset about it. Honestly, I don’t remember much about my childhood but I just know that it was a long time coming when it finally happened. I remember people praying over me and nothing happened. I remember praying to God for healing and nothing happened. I remember being so hurt because I didn’t look like everyone else (because 15 eye surgeries does things to your eye muscles and ya girl kinda had a lazy eye for a bit, praise hands thats not really a thing anymore!!!) but when I cried out to God, again nothing happened. I think thats a big reason why I was so angry and hardened growing up, and I think its a huge reason that kept me from God for so long.
I didn’t realize that its okay to be mad at God, as long as you go through that anger & hurt with Him. I told Him my list of hurts, well… actually… I yelled at him my list of hurts. He already knew them, and He also knew that I needed to forgive him. Weird, I know. I never thought that when it came to people I needed to forgive to move on and be closer with God, God was going to be one of those people. So I went through my list and forgave him. And then I forgave myself for holding on to that hurt and that touch of bitterness. He wanted me to bring Him my hurts and heartbreaks, He washed out a dark spot in my heart so that I could have a new heart that was capable of truly being in love with Him.
Wanna know what happened??
Breakthrough.
I fell IN love with Jesus. & Because I finally was able to grasp his love for me, even in the really crappy stuff everything about me changed. I look at the bible differently, I pray differently, I speak to people differently. I was transformed. I was healed. Maybe I didn’t get healed physically, & maybe I’ll never be able to see out of my eye. God only knows that. But he healed my heart so that I could receive the fullness of Christ’s love for me. He gave me a deep understanding for being relatable through my trials. He gave me a family of 32 strangers who artistically maneuvered their way into my heart and encouraged me with truths about who the Lord was, so that when I was done being angry and hurt I could look at the truths and see them for what they really were.
True. Raw. Real. Loving. Bold. Unrelenting. Never Failing. Unconditional. Faithful. Powerful. Patient. Kind. Compassionate. Peaceful.
I have a thankful heart now because I can use my testimony to glorify God’s total goodness in my life. I can’t see out of one eye, but the truth in that is I should be completely blind. I struggled with looking different than other people and getting harassed all throughout middle school, high school, and even college, but I know that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made so that I can speak truths into women who don’t feel adequate or worthy. He made me go through some pretty crappy things so that I can be strong and resiliant so I can be bold and courageous with my faith & what the cross has done to radically transform my life. Jesus hung on a tree so that we could be raw and real with him, and have a raw and real relationship with the Father. He loves intimacy, He loves companionship, He loves US. He is IN LOVE with US.
“Do you love him or are you IN love with him?”
I’m thankful for a dad who’s joking question has been a gauge for me in my relationships for many years. But I’m even more thankful because It’s now become a gauge for my spiritual relationship as well. I’m thankful that I can look back and be able to see the difference between loving Jesus and being IN love with Jesus.
So yeah I loved training camp. Because I genuinely fell in love with the Lord there. & I genuinely fell in love with my squad. God perfectly placed all of us together and made the greatest little family I could ever ask for. I’m excited and expectant for what this next year is going to hold for me and my squad.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we prepare to venture out on this God-ordained adventure. & Be sure to subscribe to my blog ( click the cutie little orange button under my picture & type in yo email!) to stay updated with all my World Race preparations!
LOVE Y’ALL
xo marge
