Who am I? We’ve all been here haven’t we. Constantly asking ourselves where we fit into this world. And more importantly where we fit into Gods Kingdom. Some people spend an entire lifetime seeking the answers to these questions. Others it takes a few years, but for me it only took 10 days. That’s right. No need to go back and reread that sentence. I said 10 days. 10 of the hardest, most taxing, fruitful days I’ve ever experienced. Those 10 days are what Adventure in Missions and those of us going on the World Race like to call Training Camp. I’d like to ask you to accompany me on a journey through my 10 days at Training Camp and how they changed my life forever.
Disclaimer: the last 10 days were the longest days but shortest week I have ever had. I do remember certain milestones and the days that they happened on. However most of training camp still runs together into one big day. With that being said I’d like you to know that everything I am going to share with you is factual, but what day it happened on is a guessing game for the most part.
Disclaimer 2.0: This post is going to be very vulnerable and lengthy. I am going to share with you the depths of what I walked through during camp and how God redeemed me. Know this wasn’t easy, but God is ALWAYS worth it. And I hope you take the time to read it in its entirety.
I arrived at Training Camp on September 20th with a heart full of excitement and a head full of anxiety and expectation. During my registration I was told the next day, Monday, I had a one-on-one meeting with a member of my training team at 5:30pm. I felt a lump well up in my throat as worry and nerves set in. Because let’s be honest who doesn’t get nervous at the thought of a personal interview. I shoved my nerves to the back of my mind to focus on the fact that I was moments away from FINALLY meeting my squad!! To say I was pumped is an understatement. 19 other young woman who are on fire for the Lord and love missions, also known as C-squad. I knew I was in my element.
My fears of the next day quickly faded and turned to pure excitement as I slowly put faces to names and no longer only had a profile picture view of my squad mates. Throughout the rest of day 1 we played get to know you games, learned about camp rules, put up our tents and I continued to build up my expectations of all the race was going to fulfill for me.
The next day we woke up early, were instructed to complete a 30 minute workout and then allowed 1 hour of quiet time before breakfast at 8:30. I was feeling really good about day 2 of TC, but could still feel my anxiety about my one-on-one talk later that day. It was Asia day so all of our meals were culturally appropriate to what they’d eat on any given day in Asia (we also had to use chopsticks for every meal, so shout out to Colin for teaching me beforehand!) Throughout the day we had sessions on how to become an effective missionary and several breakout with our squads. At these breakout sessions Adventures put us though several team building exercises as they were trying to get a feel for how they were going to split up our squad.
Side Note: My whole squad is going to the same 11 countries, but in order to be effective adventures splits squads into teams of 6 or 7 people and when we get into country our teams will reside in different areas. Teams can stay together for as long as all 11 months or as short as 1 month. It is up to the discretion of Adventures as to when we will change teams while on the field.
As the day went on I had told a few of my teammates that I needed to be at the lodge by 5:15pm because I had a meeting at 5:30. And seeing as I failed to bring a watch and we had no access to electricity to charge our phones I was without a viable way to tell the time. I was nervous for my meeting, but I was even more nervous about missing it. Well as you’ve probably already guessed I was late. C-squad was at our campsite putting up our tents as we had taken them down that morning and another girl on my team was asking the time as she also had a one-on-one meeting that evening. A few woman answered 5:30 and my heart dropped. Luckily, we were not too far from the lodge and I sprinted as fast as I could. Out of breath and no time to gather my thoughts or pray I was led to an office where a woman from C-squads leadership, our spiritual mentor to be exact, sat. I talked, she listened, I talked more, she listened more, and then she asked some really hard and personal questions. Questions I knew were coming, but hadn’t prepared myself to answer. Truthfully at least. So I lied…
I left our talk defeated. Broken down and shameful. I could feel the enemy wreaking havoc on my mind, telling me I was worthless, that I didn’t belong or deserve to be at training camp, that I would never be able to overcome the girl I thought I had surrendered to Jesus at that Matthew West concert oh so long ago. (read my bio blog if you haven’t already) I took a walk alone before having to go to dinner at 6:30. I tried my best to push down my shame so no-one could see it. Trying to convince/justify to myself that my lie was okay and that if I could just make it through TC I was in the clear. Let me remind you that it was day 2 and I had 8 days to go. I drug myself through the rest of the evening and even through a good portion of the next day. Still trying to justify my choice, but I was in a constant state of paranoia and worry, wondering in every moment if my leadership team knew I lied. I had asked God for forgiveness, spent a good portion of my thoughts during day 3 praying about my choice, but I still felt shameful.
The first few days of camp we were on a very routine schedule. We ate meals at the same time of day, had praise and worship 3 times per day, had a session after every worship time, etc. And let me tell you I LOVE praise and worship. I had literally been looking forward to camp worship since January and this lie sucked all the worship out of me. I dreaded it actually, because praise and worship is a place where I connect with God on a completely different level. He speaks to me so clearly and I can almost always feel His presence for the entirety of a set. With this lie strangling me I couldn’t worship. I felt unworthy of His praise or praising Him. Evening worship on day 3 was different though. Don’t get me wrong I still felt unworthy, but more than that I could feel God again. Speaking to me above the noise in my head, through the shame I was drowning in. God had given me a word of encouragement for a squad mate of mine, Jess, who was standing right next to me. I burst into tears. God had entrusted me with a word for someone else. He trusted me to tell her exactly what He knew she needed to hear in that moment. I cannot describe to you what it feels like to feel so untrustworthy, so dirty and shameful and then realize that God had indeed forgiven you and still trusts you like no fault had been made.
In that moment God revealed to me that He was not the one I needed to be confessing to any longer. That He had forgiven me, but I needed to ask for the forgiveness from the one I lied to. So I found our teams spiritual mentor and we went outside to talk. I confessed to her my lie and asked her to forgive me. We talked for a while and all the weight I was carrying around was lifted. I could breathe again. During our talk I was prompted with the question, “Why did you choose to hide this?” and in that moment I don’t think I honestly knew the answer. So I sat on the question for the next few days.
Over the course of training camp we had teachings on the Holy Spirit, Shame versus Guilt (ironic right?), emotions, identity, sanctification, hearing God and so much more. Throughout all of these teachings I would always try and reflect and ask myself why did you lie. What made you so fearful that you took your trust out of God? BOOM. That’s exactly it. I had built up my expectations of the World Race and its ability to change and transform me into the woman God wants me to be so much that I took my faith out of Gods ability to change me. I stopped glorifying God and started glorifying the race. In my mind in that interview I dug myself so deep in expectation that if I told the truth I would be sent home, thus never becoming what God has designed me for. It took the tough love of my leadership team and God allowing me to walk through my mistakes to realize that the race is an opportunity to meet with God, but I have to make the effort to seek Him. If I rely solely on the race to change me into the woman of God I’m designed to be I am going to be sorely mistaken at the end of these 11 months.
After coming to this conclusion and starting to process it I really began to embrace every part of training camp. I reached out to some of my squad mates confessing my mistake earlier that week, I started seeking God in every opportunity I could, I even started breaking down some emotional walls I build years and years ago. My chains were breaking off and I have never felt so free. There are lots of fun stories from training camp, but none are as life changing as this one. I chose to lie in that office, but I also chose to walk it out. God gave me the strength and support I needed to face my choice and bury it along with my former self. On the last night of training camp I chose to be baptized. I had up until that point mentally and spiritually given myself to Christ, but now I have finally physically dedicated my life to Him. As I was brought out of the water I left all my chains behind. And I can truthfully say I am chasing after Jesus with all that I am. And there is no glory due except to God.
Stay Blessed,
Marah
