Hello.
My name is Marah, and I am a perfectionist.
I am confessing my perfectionism, in hopes that not only will it help me to let go, but that if you struggle with perfectionism, you will feel free to release it, too.
Let me tell you how I came to this state.
March 25th, I was enjoying a crisp Sunday walk with one of my dearest friends, Caleb. We were talking about wedding planning and he said,
“I just don’t get why wedding planning has to be so stressful.”
“Because we want it to be the perfect day,” I responded, “The absolute best day of our lives.”
It was then that I realized I live in a culture that demands perfection, and I had been letting it shape my idea of what my life ought to be like, let alone my wedding day. I was living in opposition to God’s idea for my life, which isn’t about seeking perfection, but seeking Him. I was letting my ability to create the ‘perfect’ day get in the way of letting God lead the way. God would be involved in the ceremony, obviously, but I could handle the reception. God could be involved in the spiritual parts of my life, but I could do the rest by myself.
April 3rd, I had received my midterm evaluation from my cooperating teacher. She gave me a B. A B!!!!! I am not a B student. I am a good teacher. Why didn’t I get an A+?? Why was I not achieving great things in this part of my life? This IS my life. My career. Is this not my calling? Am I wasting my time??
But it took that evaluation for me to see that the A+ ‘perfect’ label doesn’t carry over into life. The point of student teaching isn’t to come in and be perfect. It’s to start where you are and progress throughout the time you have. And even then, the end goal isn’t ‘perfect’, but ‘proficient’ – capable of success. I am sure that 10 days of training camp won’t make me a perfect missionary, and 11 months in the field won’t either. But if progress is my goal and not perfection, then it doesn’t matter if I’m the ‘perfect missionary’ by June 2019. I could live for another 110 years, and still not be a perfect sister, daughter, friend, and someday wife and mother. But that’s what sanctification – the process of becoming more like Him – is for. It exists because God knows we cannot achieve perfection in this life, but by choosing His way, we’ll get to experience it with Him someday.
April 15th, putting curlers in the hair of my role model and friend, Emily. She asks me,
“What are you most nervous about on the World Race?”
Friends, I didn’t say that I would miss certain people or food or the comforts of American living. I didn’t tell her I was nervous about strangers becoming my family or having the sum of my material possessions on my back.
“I’m nervous about gaining weight,” I told her.
I’ve seen and read about what the Racer diet is like, and that living situations aren’t always sympathetic to running or working out alone. I’ve never had a completely positive self-image, despite the fact that I am strong, coordinated, and have never been needed to lose weight for the sake of my health.
But isn’t that awful? A year exploring the world and serving God, and the thing I’m most nervous about is how I’ll LOOK at the end.
April 17th. Francesca Batistelli’s “Free to be Me” comes on the radio, and I sing along because throwback, but then the lyrics really sink in… “try to fit the pieces together, but perfection is my enemy…”
Perfection isn’t my goal. It’s my enemy. I cannot seek perfection in any aspect of my life, not in my looks, career, or relationships, and find happiness or success. I will be disappointed every time.
But if I trust in God’s promises to sanctify me, to implant His desires for my life in my heart, His Word that I am created in His image, fearfully and wonderfully made, that if I seek Him first and HIS righteousness, everything else will work out.
So there’s my confession. Thank you for hearing me, praying for me, and joining me on this journey…may we strive to seek the Author and Perfecter, and not perfection itself.
