As I prepare for the World Race (only 5.5 months to go!), I find myself struggling – with heartache, with doubt, with loneliness, with fear. The thing is, no matter what the future holds, today is my present, and even though I know that the World Race is where I’m being led, life is still happening and the evil one is still at work.
Questions creep into my mind like poison: Am I really cut out for this? Am I strong enough? Is God really going to provide for my financial needs? What if something terrible happens to me, or someone back home while I’m away? Or what about the future, what about after the WR- what if I return with no sense of direction or purpose? On a more personal level, will anyone ever truly love me, and all of me? Do I really not matter all that much? Why do I keep repeating the same cycles in relationships? What am I lacking/why am I not enough? Is it because I don’t have the “perfect” body by the world’s standards- would that really keep someone from choosing to love me? I’m healthier and more fit than I ever thought possible! Why do I still feel like no matter how hard I work, at the end of the day my body will be judged harshly, will never be considered beautiful?
Getting lost in this sort of thinking is not only harmful, but also futile. Worse, is how we try to answer these questions and whose voices we believe. What truth do we take to heart? How do we define who we are and who and what gives us our worth? Where do we seek love? We begin to search for worldly comforts, strive for achievement and earthly rewards, cry to others to fill us up, and lower standards and expectations in order to attain affection and relationship. We indulge in sinful pleasures or succumb to old bad habits (or form new ones), often resulting in guilt, shame, and a deeper sense of unworthiness. We begin to lose sight of the One who created us, who lived, died, and resurrected to save us, who grants forgiveness and the strength to turn away from such temptation, who yearns for relationship with us, and whose voice is the ONLY real Truth.
It should be no surprise that no matter how faithful one is, no matter how long a Christian, no matter how closely one is walking with the Lord and seeking His face, no matter if one is heading to the mission field and/or dedicating his or her life to ministry, he or she in never immune to moments of shaky faith, insecurity, temptation, self-doubt, and self-destruction. We are imperfect people, living and interacting with imperfect people. We need to be reminded, and reminded often, WHO WE ARE IN CHRIST, Who HE says we are, and that THAT should be MORE than enough to give us confidence, peace, comfort, joy, and thanksgiving in all things and in all circumstances.
Dear Lord,
One of my greatest hopes and desires in participating in the World Race is that it would be a year of deep intimacy with You, that You would fill me with Your Truth and a strong understanding of who you have created me to be and what my true worth is. I pray for a greater understanding of what love is and what it looks like to love and be loved. As I prepare for the work you have before me, please transform my heart and ways of thinking to closely mimic Yours; give me rest in the assurance that You make no mistakes and that regardless of what man says is beautiful or desirable or worthy, I am special and loved and MORE THAN ENOUGH. Give me peace in times of fear and anxiety, encouragement in times of insecurity and doubt, and comfort in times of loss and heartbreak. Above all else, give me the boldness and courage to share Your Truth with those around me, that You may be glorified! May all who struggle with these things be reminded of who they are in You.
“For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them…Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” PSALM 139:13-16, 23-24
In Your Great Name, I pray.
Amen
