So I realize I’ve talked a lot about what we’ve done as a team and what God’s been doing in the world, but I haven’t talked about what God’s doing in me. It’s a lot more vulnerable and scary to talk about that kind of stuff, but I’m going to try!
I’d summarize what God’s been doing in me with one word: Identity.
God used the first 2 months in Africa to show me what I thought of myself. I was terrified of approaching people and evangelizing. I wasn’t bold. I wasn’t speaking up or sharing my opinions with the team. Other opinions were stronger and I’d just go along with it. I let others speak first, approach first, pray first because I felt like I didn’t have as much to offer. Others were wiser, bolder, stronger and better speakers than me. I hid behind some of my teammates. Not literally, but there were times I wanted to! I had no confidence in myself.
Every night my team has to give each other constructive and positive feedback. Through that feedback from my team God started to tell me that what I claimed as my identity was not my identity as a daughter of the King. My team called things out in me that I had never thought about myself. For example, they tell me I have leadership qualities. Here’s the truth: I’ve been a youth leader in my church for a few years now, but very rarely have I ever felt like I have “leadership qualities.” I just love serving and hanging out with the youth. I don’t necessarily feel like I’m that great at it. It’s just fun!
I’ve also been told that I’m influential. I think that’s been the hardest thing to believe about myself. I’ve always been the quiet one in my sphere of friends. Even in my family I’ve hid behind my sister, who is one of the most outgoing and talkative people I know. I’m drawn to outgoing, friendly people. Most of my friends are very loud, extroverted, opinionated, influential people. I’ve always been the quieter introvert who relies on my friends to approach new people and make it less awkward for me. I’ve never been “influential.” My friends’ opinions always carry more weight than mine, which is fine. I like it that way. I’d rather hide. Another thing I’ve struggled with is that a few relationships back home have left me feeling like I’m not worth listening to or loving.
When God used my teammates and some squadmates to start showing me my true identity, it was actually a bit terrifying. I don’t know who that person is. I’d like to be her, but I don’t even know where to start. I was overwhelmed. The things they were calling me up into carry some heavy responsibilities and expectations!
This month I’ve been reading The Art of Listening Prayer: Finding God’s Voice Amidst Life’s Noise by Seth Barnes every morning. There are questions after every chapter for you to ask God and get some quiet time alone to listen to Him and write down what you hear. I’ve been asking God to show me how He sees me and His answers have been really great! I’m not going to lie, it’s weird writing these things down and it’s even weirder to share them, but here’s a little snippet of what God has been telling me:
“In your weakness, I am strong. You are made perfect in your imperfections. I created you. I know you. I know what you are capable of and I want to take you there. You are stronger and bolder and wiser and more mature than you think. You are more fiercely loved than you could ever know. More pursued than you could ever dream.”
I’ve put myself in a lot of boxes that I don’t belong in and was never intended to be in. God is showing me those boxes and helping me break out of them. It’s a messy process. Every day I have to make the choice to say yes to being stretched and made uncomfortable. I have to make the choice to say yes to doing the things I don’t feel capable of doing. It’s hard, but I’m saying yes to becoming the woman God is calling me to be.
