Well hello everyone! I would like to say that even though I am not sure of who exactly reads these and or who gets to experience this crazy journey God has me on but I have missed sharing with y’all in this last month. Vietnam is a closed country and instead of having to worry about getting a password on my blog to protect it i decided to just take a month to process and try to grow. I approached Vietnam with high hopes because I knew God was calling out to me and telling me to get ready for growth. While amazing things have happened in this past month its also been the hardest month by far. The country wasn’t what made it hard, nor was it the different food or the humidity that was crazy high! The thing that was the hardest about Vietnam was ME. I got to experience many huge breakthroughs and milestones in my life with Christ and loving myself. Those moments and memories were absolutely amazing and life changing. I literally had a moment where I felt like the world stood still because of the love I admitted to having for myself and thanking Christ for. That’s another story I will get into in a later blog. So many great memories were made and there where also so many lessons that we were learning through each other while serving alongside one another while in Vietnam.
Vietnam was hard because I was scared. Vietnam was tough because I pushed myself and constantly sought out God and felt like because it was hard I failed repeatedly and got up to try again the next day. I woke up so many days while in Vietnam worried that I was going to lose the blessings that he has given to me through the people he placed in my life since being on the race that I have been blessed to grow closer to. I was worried that because people have left in my past either it be friends or family that it would happen again. I got so used to being afraid to let others in that before the race I had little to no one left that I truly told my real junk to and trusted they wouldn’t walk out. For the most part my constant was God and He was the one i was the most vulnerable with and I trusted the most. Coming on the world race has made me open up and made me vulnerable. I then found myself in a panic because here I am letting people in and growing with them only to have to face team changes coming up and fear losing the relationships that grew to mean a lot to me on this journey of finding out who God is calling me to be. I feared losing the realness, honesty, and openness of the relationships once team changes were done.
I was so fearful that I couldn’t let trust and faith be bigger. I let the worry and fear of my past grow so much that I wasn’t able to find comfort in the words “ God is a good God and He wants whats best for me. His next season of my life is planned out and is good.” I “knew” all these things but I wasn’t letting the truth in them be bigger than the fears and the scars from my past. I made it harder on people that I care about bc I was stressed out so much about making the most of the little time i had left. I wasted time i will never get back and was so worried about how I could be vulnerable with a whole new group of people if I was going to have to go through this again eventually. It was hard and I failed many times but I never stopped trying and I never gave up.
Debrief happened.
I worried, I panicked, I got scared.
I grudgingly admit that I turned into this needy/ clingy person who wanted to have more time bc of my fears.
I cried a lot.
I was hard on myself for not being able to just be ok with everything changing like so many others were.
I worried even more, and none of that helped anything, it only hurt me.
Team changes came.
I got put on a team of all girls!!
I had once again was on a team with others that I had never REALLY connected with.
I was in shock because I had no idea how to do this.
Then the next morning I CHOSE JOY.
Did is happen easily? Absolutely not, but I asked for prayers from those whom meant a lot to me about this next season and woke up the next morning knowing that this next season would be as good as I let it be. If it ended up horrible and I didn’t connect with anyone than that was on me. I needed to try. I needed to try and remember all the reasons I came on the race. I needed to see everything I had up until that point as blessings from God and remember that He wants me to be happy. He knows the desires of my heart and the hurts of my past. He knows how hard this season is for me but he also sees me striving to make him happy even though it has been super hard.
So pressing forward I will give these women a chance. I will choose to see Christ in them. I will choose to see the gift of everyday with them. I will choose to be open to seeing the areas maybe only they can help me grow in. I will choose to see what God is trying to show me in this season and I will do all of it with JOY. Does that mean that I don’t miss others like crazy.. no but I think thats normal and I think its ok. God knows that my heart loves deep and this transition is big. He also knows I am seeking Him in all of it and yearning to truly grow in my faith and trust in him every step of the way. I need to have GRACE with myself! I need to believe that it’s ok that it is hard sometimes. It’s also ok if I cant get it in one day. I need to come to Him with open hands and out stretched arms and let Him do with me what He needs to and have a peace about all of it KNOWING and TRUSTING that no matter what it will be good!
Thanks for reading and all the prayers! You guys are awesome.
