The Truth

 

This is more challenging
than I thought it would be.

 

Due to my initial excitement
at being back in Africa, and at the work God did within the first few
days, I was completely unprepared for the feelings that have been
coursing through me for the past week. This week has been HARD. In
fact, I’m having trouble remembering another point in my life where I
felt so awful. One night, a teammate asked me exactly what I was
struggling with. I looked at her and replied, “Name something”,
without a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

 

That’s honestly what it felt
like. It seemed as though things were being thrown at me from all
sides, and I was incapable of dealing with them all at once. I know
that family and friends (thank you!) are praying for me, and I would
love to tell you that I have stepped into complete freedom and am no
longer struggling. I would love to write about the happy things,
showing that I am living a life of ease, completely content in the
will and love of God. I would love to tell you that I’m learning new
things every single day. I would love to tell you that I’m growing
and stretching and loving every minute of it.

 

But I can’t do that.

 

What I can do, is be honest
with you. I can tell you that every day when I wake up, I fight to
smile. I can tell you that I have very little desire to go out for
ministry. I can tell you that I miss home more than I ever thought
possible. I can tell you that I’m questioning so many things. I can
tell you that I want God’s will for my life more than anything else.
I can tell you that I have absolutely no idea what that is. I can
tell you that I have absolutely no idea how to fight this.

 

But I can tell you that
I’m determined to do so.

 

I’m not one who enjoys
sharing her struggles with people close to me, let alone with the
hundred and some people who will read this. But I think you need to
know that this life I’ve chosen to live is not always rainbows and
butterflies. You’ve all been a part of getting me to this place, so I
do want to include you in the reality of it all. Sometimes, it’s
hard. Amidst the joys, there have been moments when I’ve sat in
silence and wondered what on earth I’ve gotten myself into… like
this entire past week for instance.

 

I truly wish this was a blog
of triumph, but that wouldn’t be true. I’m still struggling, even as
I write this. I know God has
a plan for me. I know
He will bring it to pass. I know
I will get through this. And I can’t wait to write that blog of
triumph! But until I get to that point, could I ask you to pray for
me? I know I can’t fight this on my own. Feel free to hit the
“contact me” link on the left and share any words of wisdom as
well.