A Homecoming

This is by far the most difficult blog
I’ve ever had to write. For those of you who don’t know, I’m back
home in Sault Ste. Marie, and have been here for about a week.
Everyone has been very welcoming and loving, but I’m sure you’re all
curious as to why I’m home in February, when the World Race doesn’t
end until July. To be honest, I’m still trying to understand it all,
so forgive me if my explanation is rather brief.

As you may recall from my last blog,
Kenya wasn’t exactly the easiest month for me. As I’d mentioned, my
initial excitement at being back in Africa left me unprepared for the
inner battle I was about to fight. It was a long and hard battle, and
I know it affected my teammates, and my ministry. And for that, I’m
truly sorry.

Over the last month or so, World Race
leadership has had a couple of conversations with me regarding my
thoughts, actions, and attitudes. On January 30, they sat down with
me and discussed some of the things they require of Race
participants: positive attitude, willingness to change, openness to
feedback, no defilement, high liberty, high grace, honour, preference
of others, etc. They pointed out the ways I was not living up to
these very specific things, telling me that there was a good chance I
would be sent home. They gave me the night to think about it and
respond.

I acknowledged the ways I’d messed up,
and I know that God has forgiven me for them. After a lot of prayer,
more tears than I’ve cried in years, and plenty of hugs from my
teammates, I felt prepared for the follow-up meeting the next
morning. Going into it, I was fully convinced that God’s plan for my
life included the remaining time on the World Race. I believed He had
me there for a reason, and that His work in me on the Race was not
yet completed.

I was wrong.

Leadership said they hadn’t seen enough
change in me to allow me to continue on the Race. So they asked that
I go home. And I got on a plane on February 1, being truly “alone”
for the first time in 5 months.

Despite the hundred or so times that
I’ve been told otherwise, it feels like I failed. Like I wasn’t good
enough. Like there was nothing I could do to change what happened. I
know better than this, but it’s taking a while to penetrate my head
and heart. And the tears have yet to stop flowing.

I know I wasn’t as open with my team as
I should have been, and it’s no one’s fault but my own. But they
really became my family, especially over the last two weeks, and I
miss them more than I could say. So even though my journey has ended,
theirs hasn’t. Please keep praying for them and read their blogs
(links on the left). I guarantee their stories will touch your heart.

This blog will be closed on February
16, but you can still contact me via facebook or email
([email protected]). It might take me some time before I’m ready, but I do want
to see as many people as possible and share the stories of what God
has done.

Thank you for your faithfulness in
following my journey. Thank you for your love and prayers.