“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
For most of my life, I had no idea what Matthew meant when he wrote this. Poor in spirit? I thought where our treasure was, that’s where our heart was also. As I mulled over what this could possibly mean, God decided to go ahead and teach me a lesson.
At the end of month 8 of my race, I felt on top of the world. I had fallen madly in love with every part of Africa, had a visit at PVT from my mom, and was so on fire for the Lord and my relationship with Him.
Month 9, however, was a much different story.
As soon as I set foot on Caribbean soil, something shifted. I became ‘homesick’ for the place I had just left and felt more distant from God than I could even begin to explain. I was frustrated, lost, and felt totally isolated. I questioned Him on why He would take me to a place, give me His heart for it, and then rip me away from everything I had established and loved there. It seemed like total abandonment.
From there, I began spiraling downward and hit a pit I just couldn’t work my way out of. In an effort to get back what I felt I had lost, I ended my race a month early and returned home with hopes of everything returning to “normal”.
Inevitably, things only seemed to get worse.
I slept through my first few days back home, avoided seeing people as best as I could, and couldn’t eat anything due to a parasite I had contracted. By the end of week two I had yet to open my Bible or even attempt to make conversation with God. I was still feeling wounded by the abandonment I perceived while on the field.
Then one day, I randomly decided to listen to a podcast where the pastor was speaking on the refining love of God, and I knew that I was meant to hear these words,
“I’ll walk you out into the desert and remind you how desperate you are for me and what you really need is me. In my great and abiding love for you I want to show you how little control you have because I love you. How powerless you actually are and how powerful I am. I will show you that I am enough, regardless. That you are not in control and that’s a good thing. That I am in control and I can be trusted.”
When it felt like I was living a life of tribulation and was desperately longing for God to move in me, He remained silent. When I was clinging tightly onto things that I thought made me happy, He was working to detach my hands from things of this world to make room for more of Him in my life. When I was poor in spirit, He was teaching me to rejoice and trust in Him. Although I felt abandoned, He worked these things together to create in me a whole-hearted pursuit of Him in mind, heart, and life. He was allowing me to feel these things and go through the things that I did because he wanted to mature my relationship with Him.
In my life right now, God is using my half marathon training as a way to continue this lesson. In James 1:2 the apostle Paul tells us to consider it a great joy when troubles come our way. In running, it’s the breaking down of muscle and pressing on even though your lungs are burning that builds endurance. By choosing to rejoice in the hurting lungs, painful muscles, and need for water to the point I can barely stand it, I’m choosing to rejoice in endurance that is being built.
In a similar way, when life feels overwhelming and things just aren’t making sense, I’m trying to rejoice in knowing that God is at work in my mess. Although my relationship with Him is still not quite where I’d like it to be, I can see the fruit of the dark season He had me go through. Living east of Eden is broken, confusing, messy, and terribly hard. Thankfully, we’re never truly abandoned or alone, and God remains good through it all. As Charles Spurge said, “God is too good to be unkind. He is too wise to be confused. If I can not trace His hand, I can always trust His heart”.
What’s next for me?
This summer I had the opportunity to work at Kenbrook Bible Camp! It was truly a blessing to transition back to the states in such a supportive and loving environment.
At the end of August I will begin nannying full-time for a family with two little girls living in Lancaster. I’m super excited to be able to work with kids and have the opportunity to pour into their lives on a daily basis.
I’m also beginning grad school classes at the end of August! I’m working toward an MPH through Liberty University online.
I’ll be living at home with my parents, working full-time, doing grad school full-time, and volunteering for a couple of really cool organizations. Please pray that although I’ll be a busy girl, I will continue to make God my number one priority.
Thank you again for all of your love and support during this journey! I’m working on creating a blog for my new adventures, so be on the lookout for that to come soon!
