I have to confess something to y’all- I’m a control freak. I have this irrational need to always be in control of things to make sure they get done exactly how I want when I want. It’s a side of my type-A personality that I’m not proud of, but it’s there and it’s who I am.
There’s this story in the gospel of Matthew where Jesus’ disciples failed to rid a young boy of a demon spirit. Jesus called them faithless and perverse and told them that they were unable to help the boy not because of his parent’s sins or the child’s sins, but because of their own lack of faith.
Upon first reading this story I dismissed it as being inapplicable to my own life. I have a firmly rooted faith in every line of the Apostles’ Creed, which practically sums up Christianity’s beliefs and foundations in about 12 lines. What I came to find, however, is that true faith goes beyond reciting doctrines and actually believing in the words being said.
The closer my launch date gets, the more I don’t want to go.
Yup, you read that right.
I’m scared. I literally have no control over any aspect of this trip. I feel unqualified and inadequate to take part in this mission. I wonder if God can actually use me to help others around the world. Most days I wake up and wonder why I even wanted to do this in the first place. I have a comfortable life here with people that I love more than anything. I think I’ve out-doubted Thomas in the past two months.
A trip like this was never a part of my plan. But serving a God who pushes his children out of their comfort zone has become the purpose of my life. Although I’m terrified for so many aspects of this mission, my feeling of excitement, joy, and sense of peace reassure me that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be even if it’s not where I had planned to be.
This is real. It’s happening. And the launch date is quickly approaching. It’s times like these I’m thankful that all it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed.
I’m currently 65% funded!! THANK YOU! Please consider partnering with me in prayer as well as I prepare to leave!
