I love myself.
I love the drive that I have to accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I love the bubbly side of my personality that comes out around other people. I love the way that I can be fiercely independent and adapt to new situations easily. It was quite the arduous journey to get to this point in my life and was many years in the making, but I have unapologetically transformed into the person that I am today. I know that I am the farthest thing from perfect, don’t get me wrong. But I am no longer ashamed of who I am. So imagine the conviction that I felt when I came across this verse-
“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.” (2 Timothy 3:1-5)
I had to reread that verse at least 20 times until the entity of those bold words began to sank in.
How am I to avoid such people while living in a world consumed by such values?
The scarier question, though, is how am I to avoid such people when I am that person?
I have spent different seasons of my life walking through many of the things Paul writes about in that passage. It had never occured to me, however, that the very thing I have been working so hard on over the past several years is frowned upon by God. Confused, I took this newfound revelation before my Father. His response on how to grow from this?
Kill it.
Yes, it’s important to love myself, because if I don’t love myself it’s impossible to love and serve others. But I’ve learned that there is a huge difference between loving myself and being a lover of self.
I’ve learned to put my needs second on a team with seven other women.
I’ve learned to be okay with running on empty if it means that an orphan child is happy to be in my presence.
I’ve learned to just take a deep breath and say a quick prayer when my class is bouncing off the walls and I feel like I can’t take any more.
I’m so thankful that God has surfaced this flaw in my character and is walking with me through this. Having the appearance of godliness but not walking in the things that we are called to as Christians absolutely terrifies me. I want the people that I am serving to be loved the way that Christ loves, which is impossible to do when I put my needs first.
So, in short, I’ve committed murder in Cambodia. I have died to myself in order to live in Christ.
