I have loved Central America deeply these last three months. I’ve been asked a few times what my favorite part of the Race is so far, and my answer to that has to be: THE FOOD! I’ve loved each of our ministries, the people we’ve met and served, but if you’ve ever had a pupusa in your life then you know there’s just nothing that compares. (Google it, then promptly book your flight to Honduras or El Salvador, you’re welcome.) Central American street food, you’re my toughest goodbye.
I mentioned in a previous post that the word the Lord gave me for month three here in El Salvador was FATHER. Not so coincidentally, our ministry all month has been serving in several different orphanages all around the capital city of San Salvador.
I’ve seen so much brokenness this month. Much more than I could have ever anticipated or prepared for. Homeless people on the streets eating out of trash cans, desperate for any food. Gang violence that has ripped families apart. Children abandoned or placed in orphanages, not because they have no family to care for them, but instead because their families can’t afford another mouth to feed, or their behavioral issues are just too much. Teenage girls in juvenile detentions who are facing lifelong consequences simply because of who they chose to date at a young age.
Three months of witnessing such brokenness and pain is so mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining. I found myself in the wrestling the other night, “how can I do this for eight more months? How can I willingly travel the world and attempt to give hope to people who are walking through things I can barely even imagine? Am I even doing anything at all?”
On this same night, a few of my teammates and I had just returned from going out with a weeklong team of highschoolers from the States to feed the homeless around the city. Every time we stopped the truck to pass out bags of food and saw grateful faces jump up from their dirty cardboard beds, eager to receive the first real meal they will eat in who knows how long, I found myself repeating in my head: “God is good. God is good. God is good.” I’m clinging to a truth I know in my head but I can’t always feel and believe in my heart when I’m staring such brokenness in the face.
I’m walking in and learning a lot about obedience lately. And I’m learning what it looks like to obey God by simply remaining thankful and trusting, because this Race, this life, none of it is about me. It would be so easy to run back home to the comforts of ignorance. Quite possibly the biggest privilege I’ve learned that we as middle-class Americans hold is our ability to pick and choose when we show mercy, when we offer sympathy or empathy. We can easily ignore the brokenness of this world, of our neighboring countries, of even our physical next-door neighbors, because if it doesn’t affect me it must not exist, right? Ignorance is bliss, and ignorance is comfortable because our own lives are hard enough and the weight of starving children and widows on the street around the world is exhausting. Unfair, but exhausting.
But my greatest lesson lately is learning to be more thankful than ever that the brokenness of the world, the brokenness of Central America, the brokenness of El Salvador, is not my job to fix. The Lord didn’t call me to the World Race to be a superhero. But He did call me here to be Jesus to the one. To listen, to be obedient, to live loved and give love, whatever it may look like. Sometimes it feels small or insignificant: giving a meal to a homeless man on the street, playing a game of chess with a teenage boy at an orphanage. Sometimes it looks like not acting at all, and instead praising Him and giving thanks for the vessels, the ministries, and the people He already has in place.
I sat down to write this post, to sum up my month in El Salvador and my three months in Central America, but what came out was instead a lot of processing, unexpected heaviness, and a lot of fear for what is to come. The truth is I am terrified for the next eight months. If I am wrestling with this brokenness so much now, where will I be in month six, month eight, month eleven? The mission field is hard, the world is broken, and it’s frustratingly, unbelievably unfair that I was born an American and into the life I was, and will return to at the end of this.
I believe my word for this month has been Father, because while I am feeling everything so deeply; all of the brokenness, injustice, and pain we have encountered in the last three months, I needed a Father. And as He is a Father watching His children hurt, He feels it all more than I can even imagine. He is not a distant God, He is an intimate, loving, good, good Father.
I don’t have answers or reasons for the brokenness, injustice, and pain in the world. But I have faith. And I have hope. And I’ll instead choose to praise Him before I understand.
I’ve been listening to Praise Before My Breakthrough by Bryan & Katie Torwalt on repeat with tears in my eyes for the last few days. These next eight months of the World Race will be anything but easy. But I’m leaning into the love of my Father, and acting out of His strength everyday to bring that same love to the hurting and the broken. I’m looking forward to 2019, specifically the next eight months of it, with an eager, full heart.
“I’ll praise before my breakthrough
‘Til my song becomes my triumph
I will sing because I trust You
I will bring my heart, I will lift my song
He who came in power, He will come again
He who heals the sick, won’t He move again
He who raised the dead, won’t He raise again
And I will sing, I will sing
He who came in power, He will come again
He who heals the sick, won’t He move again
He who raised the dead, won’t He raise again
I will sing, I will sing
Oh I will sing, I will sing”
On repeat this month:
The 1975- It’s Not Living (If It’s Not With You)
Johnnyswim- I’ll Be Home for Christmas
Maggie Rogers- Fallingwater
Chelsea Cutler- Three Words Away
The Sing Team- Satisfied in You (Psalm 42)
Jonathan David & Melissa Helser- Abba (Arms of a Father)
Judy Garland- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Olaf’s Frozen Adventure Soundtrack- When We’re Together
***
On Saturday, my squad will begin a very long few days of travel from San Salvador, El Salvador, to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. Please join me in prayer for safety and revival as we begin month four in a new country, on a new continent!
Vietnam is a closed country, meaning it is illegal to be a Christian missionary in country. For this reason, during our time in Asia, my blog will be password-protected for my own safety, the safety of my squad, as well as the safety of our ministry hosts. I will still be blogging, and sharing stories and pictures as much as I will be able, but from now on you will be prompted to enter a password to be able to read my blog posts. The password will be: Psquad2019 (I’d recommend screenshotting or writing that down if you’d like to continue following my journey!)
Thank you so much for supporting me in 2018, and for following along through my first leg of the Race in Central America! I’m praying for blessings, peace, and joy to come in your 2019 :).
