This month we have been serving with a local church in Fier, Albania. ICF Fier was planted by our host and his family just over a year ago. They are a small community of mostly young adults and teenagers, and as a whole the congregation is made up of new believers who are learning who God is, and what it means to embrace life as His children.
Our ministry has been focused on discipleship with the kids at this church. We’ve taught English classes in the evenings, and also hosted bible studies once a week. Our first bible study in week 1, we talked about our role in the kingdom as believers. My teammates and I shared with the kids how there isn’t just one way to serve the Lord or others, that God can use any one of our gifts or talents to further His kingdom. You don’t have to be a pastor or even a World Racer to bring kingdom to those around you. In the second week, we talked about identity. My teammate Emjay shared her powerful testimony and talked about how easily and how often we let the world define our identity instead of the Father, the One who created us. This past week, we talked about identity once again and focused specifically on casting out the lies we often believe about ourselves.
At the end of our bible study, we planned an activity to write cards with the truth of who God says you are as His child, and taped them on a large wooden cross. The cards read several different statements:
I am loved
I am chosen
I am beautiful
I am worthy
I am seen
I am known
I am valued
I am enough
I am His
I am whole
I am free
I am forgiven
We asked the kids to anonymously write down the lies they believe about themselves, and then place them on the cross, taking one of the truths of who God says they are instead.
Watching the kids each go up and place their lies on the cross, taking time to decide which truth they want to take and keep, I felt the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart to write about this night. I didn’t want to be vulnerable anymore, to be completely honest, especially having just finished giving our message for the night. As vulnerable as I’ve been on my blog posts and with those following and supporting my journey, I’m learning that I still have walls up. I spoke about a part of my life I don’t typically share about openly. One that I certainly have not wanted to invite the world into.
I shared with the kids how I lost someone important in my life, one of my best friends, a few years ago. I talked about how after this person was no longer in my life, I realized that I had lost all of my truths of who I am too. My identity that should’ve been in Jesus had instead been misplaced in someone else. I didn’t have this former constant in my life to tell me who I was anymore, so I let the world tell me who I was. That’s when the lies began to creep in. The world says I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or successful enough. That I’m just not enough. That I’m only as good as the man I will one day marry, and that until then the best I can do is just wait for him to come. The world has a lot of opinions about who I am and who I should be. But thankfully, my story doesn’t end there. I shared with the kids how I learned and still have to remind myself everyday who God says I am. By staying rooted in the word, and looking to Him first and above all to remind me. By speaking life over myself and reminding myself that just because I’ve identified the lies, doesn’t mean they’ve lost their power over me. It’s an ongoing battle, but one that’s already been won. I shared how I’ve also built a community both at home and here on the Race to remind me of the truth of who I am when I forget.
So I’ve found myself in yet another important place of surrender. Because I so often believe I have lost friends and important relationships in my life because I’m not enough for anyone, the Lord spoke to me this past week and revealed that I’m still holding onto this belief that I have to prove myself. That I’m still in a lot of ways allowing the world to determine my identity, and caring far too much about what the world thinks of me. I’m chasing validation in all the wrong places when I already have it in my Father’s love. I’m more than enough for Him, so much so that He literally gave His life for me.
The Lord also revealed to me at the end of our time in Cambodia last month that I still haven’t fully surrendered my life after the Race. I’m holding onto what I want, and not even opening myself up to what the Lord wants for me. Part of me has approached the Race as the peak of my life. I’ve subconsciously believed that it will never get any better than this, so I have to force my feelings to fit this “best time” in my life. Maybe it won’t ever get better than this. Maybe this really will be the best time in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’m going home to nothing. He is never done with me. I have to know, trust, and believe that the end of the Race will bring a new beginning in whatever season of my life comes next.
I’ve always been driven by my feelings and emotions. I have so many feelings in a day I literally don’t know what to do with them. To be completely honest, sometimes they scare me. But I’m learning to take ownership of them. To recognize that no one determines my feelings but me, and they don’t always equate to absolute truth.
My anthem these last few weeks has been a beautiful song by Michael Ketterer and Influence Worship called “Spirit Lead Me”:
if You say it’s wrong, then I’ll say no
if You say release, I’m letting go
if You’re in it with me, I’ll begin
and when You say to jump, I’m diving in
if You say be still, then I will wait
if You say to trust, I will obey
I don’t wanna follow my own ways
I’m done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me
I’m surrendering and leaving behind in Albania a need to prove myself. My life after the Race. What I’ve done and what’s been done to me in my life that pulls me away from my identity in Jesus. On the Race and forever after, I’m done chasing feelings.
