At the end of my time in Belize last month, the Lord gave me the word surrender to describe my month. I took it as past tense, because I did all my surrendering last month, as in it’s over and I have nothing left to surrender. (Spoiler alert: I couldn’t have been more wrong.) What the Lord actually meant with the word surrender was that I had only just begun the ever important act of daily surrender. Of daily laying everything in my life, everything I am, at the the foot of the cross. Surrendering more of me for more of Him.
This surrender stuff is only just beginning, I’m learning. So this is now entitled “The Surrender Series”, because I know this won’t be the last time I’m reminding myself of my new least favorite word.
This weekend my squad, along with a squad ending their fourth month, and another ending their eleventh, all got together at a hotel here in Valle de Angeles for an event called The Awakening. AIM plans an Awakening any time there are multiple squads that end up in the same area, and we all get together for a few days of worship, teaching, and discipleship. I’m so thankful we’ve had this opportunity so early in our Race. To get to learn from Racers much further on in their journeys is so encouraging and inspiring for our months ahead.
During the Awakening, we talked about the spiritual journey the World Race is designed for the Lord to take you through. In the beginning, He asks each of us as Racers to surrender quite a bit from our lives. It can look anything like surrendering our homes and lives at home, surrendering beds and warm showers, all the way to things like our own specific struggles or pain like insecurity, fear, shame, guilt. Last month, I surrendered fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, and my anxiety that makes me doubt my worth. It’s great that I was able to let go of things I’ve battled with for years, but this was only the beginning.
The Lord laid a lot on my heart this weekend to surrender. I also felt it was important to not only list it out for myself, but in the name of vulnerability and authenticity, to share it with those supporting me and following my journey.
I’m surrendering:
- my family and friends
- my home
- my lives in Louisville and Memphis
- comfortability
- familiarity
- pride
- bitterness
- judgment
- shame, guilt, pain
- what makes me “different” (as a type 4 this one is big)
- everything I’m missing at home this year
- past mistakes
- my future
- marriage and a family one day
- my heart’s desires
- my expectations and hopes for the rest of the Race
- all of me
Through all of this surrendering business, the Lord has also asked me to fast from my life at home, or in other words, not use social media or talk to anyone at home for a month. How do I know He’s asked me to do this? Because I don’t want to. Because it’s hard. (Pro tip: I’m learning He doesn’t usually have to call us to do the easy things. We do them on our own.) But I’m saying yes and doing this because I know my own heart. I know I haven’t truly laid everything in my life at His feet and depended solely on Him, because in my life at home I don’t necessarily have to. I have a wonderful support system, the best parents, the most loving family, and the most encouraging friends. In my life at home I call on Him when things get hard. When something goes wrong in one of the aforementioned aspects of my life. I don’t always invite Him into my life or praise Him and give thanks when everything’s fine and dandy. That isn’t dependence. That isn’t faith. That isn’t the intimacy with the Lord I claim to have. On the Race, I’m calling on Him in the good and bad. But I’m still going through the week craving a few hours of Wifi on the weekends to unplug and talk to someone at home. That isn’t being present. That still isn’t dependence on Him.
A common piece of advice we hear often on the Race is “surrender early, and surrender often.” While I certainly don’t want to give up my family and friends (among many other things), the people who love and support me, who literally got me here on the Race, I know that surrendering this early will make my Race that much easier down the road.
Surrendering all of these things does not mean I’m actually giving them up from my life completely. I’m obviously not shunning myself from my family and friends for the rest of my life. But surrendering, laying all of these huge parts of my life and personality at the foot of the cross, means I’m trusting and declaring that these are not the things that give me purpose in life. Surrendering is acknowledging that without these things, the Lord is still good.
Have you ever heard a song that is 100% secular, couldn’t have less to do with Jesus, but actually spells a kingdom message, and can even become a worship song for you? That’s actually how I feel about a lot of music. While “surrendering” all of these things listed above, I couldn’t get From Now On from The Greatest Showman soundtrack out of my head. These words are my heart as I’m surrendering everything I don’t want to give up, for more of Him.
“I saw the sun begin to dim
and felt that winter wind blow cold
a man learns who is there for him, when the glitter fades and the walls won’t hold
‘Cause from then, rubble,
what remains
can only be what’s true
if all was lost
there’s more I gained,
’cause it led me back to you
From now on
these eyes will not be blinded by the lights
From now on
what’s waited till tomorrow starts tonight, tonight
let this promise in me start
like an anthem in my heart
From now on,
From now on”//
Thank you so much to all who have been faithfully following my journey and supporting me! Month two is already almost over, and we head to El Salvador in just a week and a half! Please continue to pray for my squad and I, that we are able to pour out and be vessels of the Father’s love in our last few days of ministry at Hogar de Angeles.
I am also still in need of about $3,500 in order to be fully funded by the end of January! Please join me in praying for provision, however and whatever it may look like. Much love always!!
