I’ve recently noticed God working to change the way I view myself as a complete person. I’ve begun to see two distinct differences in myself, my heart vs. my spirit. My heart is what I would consider what makes me human. It’s where my sin is, an imperfect product of our broken, imperfect world. But my spirit is completely of and from the Lord. My spirit is where my truest self lies, it is literally the God in me. I can’t even take credit for it if I tried.
In keeping with my promise to not censor or sugarcoat what I write on this journey, I have to be honest and tell you that my human heart does not entirely align with my spirit. In other words, what Mal wants for her life at nearly 21 years old is not what God wants, and certainly not what He is calling my spirit to. My human heart wants the easy things. I want to find a job that will turn into a career that interests me. I want to make money and pay off my student loans. I want to spend all the time in the world with my friends. I want to hakuna matata my way through my early 20’s and be a free spirit without a care in the world or any obligations to tie me down. Sometimes, I want to be reckless and young and make bad decisions just for the sake of it. Sometimes, my human heart wants to be less of the person God’s called me to be.
I’m telling you these things, because as I’m now just six months away from launching on the Race, the word “missionary” is being thrown around quite a bit. And I’ll admit that it makes me uncomfortable. When you heard the word “missionary,” a very specific image typically comes to mind. For me, beyond the ankle-length denim skirts, I see a Mother Teresa figure. I see a completely pure heart filled only with love for the Lord. I see someone who’s never had a negative thought in their life, someone who’s love for others comes so effortlessly and knows no boundaries or conditions. I see someone who couldn’t be further from me.
Christians are typically held to a higher standard than the rest of the world. But why do we hold ourselves to that same standard? In doing so, we forget what sets Christianity apart from any other religion or belief system: freedom. I am not tied to my own image of what the heart of someone serving around the world for eleven months should look like. God didn’t call me to the World Race and then put me in a box and tell me who I have to be.
My spirit is what I want my heart to become. But my heart, my own humanity, doesn’t have to be what breaks me. I hope this serves as an encouragement for anyone who has ever felt like they don’t fit into the perfect Christian mold, and thus grown complicit in living as less than the person God has called them to be.
Join me next week as I continue to #blogitlikeitshot !
