I’ve been avoiding writing this post for some time now. This is a part of my story that’s still being shaped, and probably my least favorite to talk about, let alone invite the Internet into. So, generally, I don’t talk about it. I think it’s hard for me to admit that I, a textbook, girl power, kick-em-in-the-face feminist on paper struggle with this.
Before God laid the World Race on my heart, He had to get me in the right mindset and head/heartspace to receive it. So this time last year, He asked me to fast from dating or relationships for a year. I’ll admit that for a while, I sort of brushed it off. It didn’t make a lot of sense. I’m 21 years old, but I’ve never exactly “dated”. Not growing up, not in school, it’s just not my cup of tea. I’ve honestly been indifferent towards it for as long as I can remember. I have a pretty hefty checklist (know yo worth ladies, then add tax) in the type of person I’m looking for, and I’ve just yet to meet anyone who comes close. So God asks me to intentionally not date for a year and I’m over here like “hi hello yes but I’ve already been doing this for 20 years thus far??” But the key word I glossed over was “intentional.” God replied something along the lines of “humor me, Mal”. So on August 23, 2017 I wrote the date in my journal and officially began a yearlong fast from dating.
From the outside, literally nothing has changed now. This past year has gone exactly as the twenty years prior went. Nothing changed outwardly, but everything changed inwardly. It didn’t take long for the Lord to knock me off my feet with the realization that He asked me to do this so that I would be ready to focus entirely on the World Race and my relationship with Him as I prepared for it. I learned that though I have never traditionally dated, I had unintentionally sealed off a large part of my heart and reserved it for my “future husband”. I learned that I haven’t allowed myself to fully experience all that He has to offer because for as long as I can remember I have approached my young life as time to fill before I meet someone and get married. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not speaking negatively of marriage, relationships, or dating at all. I’m instead acknowledging and appreciating that these are not the sole reasons I was created or put on this earth. And more than that, He isn’t done using my heart as a single woman just yet.
For so much of my life I have been waiting for the day I will get married, the day my life will “truly begin”. But God shook me by the shoulders this year and showed me the day my life already began was the day I surrendered it to Him. It breaks my heart to think of so many little girls just like me who will grow up in the church only to believe their purpose in life and their one way to impact the kingdom is through marriage. It’s a wonderful part of the journey the Lord has planned for so many of us, but women are not here on earth just to benefit men. The Lord has so, so much more in store for His daughters.
I’m thankful for a year of gradual change from the inside out, and thankful He has equipped me with this part of my story going into the World Race, where I will encounter hurting women and girls in oppressive governments, communities, and religions, where they are told, and more importantly believe, they have no rights or value. Believing your life as a woman is valuable and purposeful outside of how it affects men is radical, but so is the gospel. These two things are not unrelated. Don’t let my feminism trigger you.
