June 28th is a day worth noting. Three years ago today, I officially parked my car in Memphis, TN and have called it home ever since. Today also marks exactly 100 days until I launch on the World Race. I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe in Jesus. I literally laughed out loud this morning when I realized today holds such great significance for two seasons in my life that couldn’t be more different.
It’s no secret that moving to Memphis from Louisville, the only place I had ever lived and known as home, wasn’t easy for me. But today I’m reflecting on it from a place of healing. The Lord took my stubborn heart that I didn’t believe was even capable of change, and completely transformed my perspective and outlook on life. My prayer is that He will use my story to speak to anyone trapped in that same darkness that consumed me at eighteen years old.
Here’s the thing. Graduating high school and getting a taste of “the real world” for most is an exciting time of life. It’s about dreaming big, throwing caution to the wind, taking risks, and pushing the boundaries on how far you can go. I didn’t feel this way at all at 17-18 years old. I felt like I didn’t have any choices. I knew God wanted me in Memphis, I knew he didn’t want me to attend college right away, but that was it. I didn’t have any direction. I felt lost, confused, and backed into a corner when thinking about my future. I felt like I didn’t have any future at all to plan or hope for. I couldn’t hold onto the words of friends and family that reached out saying “it will get better”. I couldn’t feel happiness in the present on the promise of finding it in the future.
But here’s the other thing: it does get better. It did get better. At the time, this was a piece of my story I wanted rewritten. Now I am so thankful for it. Today is a reminder that I would never be where I am now, 100 days out from embarking on eleven months of serving and following my Jesus around the world, without this particular piece of my story changing me. I’m not the same person I was three years ago today, because this day in 2015 marked the beginning of my “adult” (adult meaning post-high school, because let’s be real I will be fifty years old and still uncomfortable calling myself an adult) life and a never-ending series of changes, none of which were easy.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you that stepping out into the deep and trusting the Lord’s leading into the unknown is “easy”. I’m human, we’re all human, trust is never easy. It isn’t easy to put yourself out there, to be painfully vulnerable, terrifyingly transparent, and to tell your story with a hard to swallow kind of honesty. But it is easy to see His goodness. It’s easy to feel His sovereignty, His presence, His love poured over your head everyday when you know where and how to look for it. I’ve learned where and how to look for it these last eight months. I feel it, with every email that I’ve received another donation. With every well wish sent my way. With every tear-filled prayer on my lips, and with every peace-filled embrace in my soul.
I’ve learned this past year that I am truly my own worst enemy. I’m incredibly hard on myself. I call myself the judge and look at what the Lord has placed on my heart, constantly categorizing “possible” vs. “yeah right”. The Race was always a “yeah right.” Even after I applied and was accepted. I told both myself and the Lord “ok we’ll chase this pipe dream for now, but we both know it isn’t really happening.” I’m terrified of disappointment, I’m terrified of boldness. Last August I wrote that my time in Jamaica taught me to take risks in my faith, something I had never done before. Only a few weeks later, God placed a giant risk on my heart. I so distinctly remember sitting on my sister’s couch and saying it out loud for the first time. “I think God is asking me to do the World Race.” It didn’t necessarily feel crazy to hear myself saying it. That was my first clue it was real. Me. He’s chosen me of all people. I can’t put into words how that makes me feel. Criminally unworthy only scratches the surface. But here’s what I’m constantly reminding myself lately: if this was easy, He wouldn’t have asked me to do it. If I was completely prepared, all-knowing, and experienced, He wouldn’t have had to move heaven and earth to get me to agree to it in the first place.
In 100 days I will board a plane and leave my family, friends, and life behind for eleven months. I never saw this coming. But I think it’s important that I do it with my 18 year old self in mind, who couldn’t even picture my life at 21, or even hope for the kind of joy that fills my heart these days. I am so thankful my story crafted by my perfect Father screams of His goodness and transformative power.
“I am on my way,
I am on my way,
I am on my way back to where I started.”
