My natural instinct when faced with anything less than ideal is to shut down and hide my feelings completely. I’m not sure why I do this, but I know it isn’t healthy. So upon committing to the Race I decided to live these eleven months as authentically and honestly as possible. That means no sugarcoating, censoring, or building any walls. That means I’m inviting anyone with access to the Internet to a front row seat to my heart, mind, and experiences this year. Surely I don’t have to tell you how terrifying that is. But the Lord has asked me to live uncomfortably, and that includes writing and talking about the things I don’t necessarily want to.
I recently went a little deeper into my heart this month and shared this on my Facebook and Instagram:
I’ve posted a lot of vulnerable things on the Internet but this may be the most, because for this first time this is something I’m currently walking in and struggling with. I don’t have the perspective of already having conquered and worked through it.
In the name of transparency: I’m having a really hard time right now. The World Race life is my best life. Everyday feels like a dream. I can’t put into words how thankful I am to be living it.
But the World Race life, missionary life, is also *real* life. That means that some days are unbearable. I’m asking questions of my faith I’ve never asked before. The brokenness of the world I’ve encountered for the last four months has all but crippled my heart and mind. I’m angry most of the time these days. I’m looking around me and feeling hopeless, feeling and thinking that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. How do I have the life I have when there are children abandoned, women and girls abused, starving people on the street, so much pain. Governments profiting off their own people’s suffering. Injustice. Discrimination. Violence. Slavery. Poverty. Refugees and the homeless. How can there be such a stark contrast of privilege in the world.
I’m crying out to the Lord asking these things, but He isn’t answering yet. So I’m putting on my best face I can muster and I am still here, going out everyday to serve. That’s what I came here for, that’s what He’s called me to, even while my heart’s not in it. Even while I’m running on empty and have been for weeks now.
I’m not telling you this so you’ll think I’m exceptionally strong or obedient. I am certainly not either of those things. I say this because I’m doing all that I can do right now just to barely hold it all together. I’m trusting and clinging to the head knowledge of His goodness while my heart just feels numb and broken. I know that there is a reason He has me here. Both physically here on the Race and figuratively here in this present headspace and asking these questions. I don’t know it yet though and that terrifies me. All I can do is wait, hope and trust that at some point in the next seven months I’ll wake up and it won’t be this hard and I’ll remember and breathe in His lightness again.
“I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.” Psalms 27:13-14
I’ve had a thing for sunflowers lately. I can’t help but think that even in my current season of heartache and brokenness, He is showing me that I will grow strong and tall through this. I hope you recognize the same for whatever you’re walking through too. I mean this with 100% sincerity, that if you too are struggling right now, whatever it may be, I want to walk through it with you. Please reach out, and know that this too shall pass. Come out of the darkness.
Before arriving in Vietnam, the Lord gave me the word ADVENTURE for the month. I kept asking for a different one at first, because with all these questions and things I’ve been feeling, “adventure” is the last word I would pick.
Then it occurred to me. At first, “adventure” implies arguably the best time in your life. Something wild, crazy, adrenaline-filled, and the best Instagram pictures you’ll ever post. But really, adventure is risk. Adventure is the wild, crazy, adrenaline-filled, best time in your life. But adventure is the good things because you’ve gone through the hard things. You know the risk, and you’re willing to take it anyway.
And that’s what the World Race truly is. That’s what life is. It’s the good things, the crazy-I-can’t-believe-this-is-my-life-moments, coupled with the nights spent in tears crying out to the Lord. It’s hiking volcanoes, climbing ancient Mayan ruins, tickle fights with toddlers on the other side of the world, dance parties in the mountains of Honduras, authentic worship and the most intimate presence of the Lord you’ve ever felt in your life. And it’s also travel days long enough to make you lose all sanity, heartbreak, pain, never-ending exhaustion, homesickness, and witnessing the brokenness of the world day-in and day-out.
It’s an adventure with the Lord. That’s what He desires and asks of every one of His children, whatever it may look like. He wants the good, the bad, and everything in between WITH YOU!
Everything I am feeling and walking in right now, everything you may be feeling and walking in right now, He sees it, and more than that, He feels it too. I’m moving and looking forward with a smile on my face knowing the pain I’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.
Adventure is out there!
Next stop: CAMBODIA.
On repeat this month:
Coldplay- Adventure of a Lifetime
Maggie Rogers- Retrograde
Bryan & Katie Torwalt- Prophesy Your Promise
Enter The Worship Circle- Pain (Psalm 42)
José González- Stay Alive
Coldplay- Up&Up (Live in Buenos Aires)
