Stability is a fairytale. The goal to finally have “arrived,” to be done, to have made it at last amidst the years of struggle- it’s a farce. I have strived to be content and to be satisfied; to have my cup full and overflowing without need for a single drop more. I have yearned to be done growing, to be, in a word, “complete.” I think everyone secretly has the same desire. The funny thing is: once you feel that you are done, you have so much more work to do. Let me re-phrase:
God has so much more work to do in you.
Coming on the World Race, I had no idea that I was coming on a journey of identity. Honestly, I thought I had it all figured out; that I was confident, awesome Mallory, embarking on an adventure to fall more in love with God whilst fully embracing my confidence. But there’s the hitch: my confidence. I came into this race and realized that my identity was still rooted in what the world thought of me.
During the last week of ministry in East London, I got sick. My asthma began acting up, my small cold cough turned into a viral lung infection, and I was bed-ridden and unable to partake in ministry with my team. I stayed with one host family by myself, while the rest of my team moved on to another home, and I had a lot of down time to reflect and process.
First of all, I want to say that I was so blessed and filled with thankfulness for how much others cared for me during my time of illness. I stayed with Paula and Louis and their son, Kenan, and could not have been more touched by their kindness, hospitality, and warmth. Paula basically became my mom for the week as she took me to the doctor, told me to rest, and made me feel incredibly cared for.
Second of all, the time of rest in their beautiful home was amazing for my physical health, emotional health, and spiritual growth. Living in community is amazing, and I fall more in love with the girls on my team every day. However, I am learning that I need to prioritize alone time and time with Jesus, which can sometimes be difficult when living with others. It is something that I am learning how to make time for, even when there seems to be not a single free minute in a day, and the week of break was wonderful in shifting my perspective and helping me to realize that alone time is essential every once in a while.
Since coming to debrief in Nelspruit (still in South Africa) with my entire squad, I have begun to unpack my foundational beliefs about myself. Further than that, I have begun to let them go. In the process, God has been showing me that I am a blank canvas– fully surrendered to Him at last, I am open to let His vibrant paint strokes define me. Though I have believed (by the world’s standards) that I have no special or unique talents, I was told by one of our couches that the Lord has anointed me with healing. Though I battled with the lie that my words lacked value and were not significant, my team has been building me up and affirming my gift of encouragement. Though I have struggled with sleep, the Lord has been speaking to me in my dreams.
God is so good, and I am His beautiful and wonderfully made creation.
He did not make a mistake; He made me exactly as He planned. I am just beginning on this journey of discovery, and I am pumped to dive head first into the mystery and majesty of His plan for my life and the redemption He has in store. Here’s to the next step of this 11 month adventure, and as I leave for Swaziland tomorrow, I’m stoked to see God continue to paint me in His perfect, colorful strokes.
