There comes a time when movement is a must. Staying still, decaying, and ultimately regressing backwards is like dying a death that you fought so hard to put forever in the grave.
After ending the World Race, an experience that could easily be romanticized in a “glory days” sort of way, it is easy to stop. Rest can be mistaken for apathy, and steadiness can be a guise for unwanted conviction and challenge. After 11 months of “out of comfort zone” life, it can be so easy to jump right back into the safety that you fought so hard to abandon. Why?
Because we are fickle humans who want to see the shoreline. We are finite beings who cringe at taking a leap off the cliff, even when there are flames behind us. We do not trust; and therefore we do not move.
Sure, it was easy to depend on God in the impoverished communities where food wasn’t guaranteed and the orphan did not have a pillow to lay his head. But where does that big God fit in a society that creates a small box as His home? We place Him in the manger with no room in the inn when He really wants to abide in our hearts. But we are so busy making our own worlds and molding our lives to the dreams we fashion that God gets squeezed out and into a small space that renders Him unheard and unwanted. We do not seek His face, and we therefore do not receive the magnificent vision He has designed for each of us specifically.
In all honesty, I did not think I would gain much from Project Search Light (a debrief after one month of being home). I came in thinking I was “transitioning well:” I was regularly exercising, not watching Netflix, seeing a ton of friends, staying busy, and overall not breaking down every time I walked into a department store. But I lost sight of the pivotal focus that made place, circumstance, and clarity irrelevant- God and His faithfulness. I wasn’t moving towards Him, and whilst believing I was staying the same, I was really falling back into the lifestyle that was not life-giving. In my work to discipline myself into a new state of “good,” I forgot that God in and of Himself is “good!” I do not have to find my good- He’s it! And to add to the magnificence of it- He wants good for me!
I came home and decided that I had to make my own way that was “good” for me. During these past few days of Project Search Light, hearing inspirational speakers, re-connecting with my beloved team and squad, and ultimately unwrapping God’s heart for me and the world like the best Christmas present ever (that He never tires of giving), I have re-aligned my heart with God and recognized one crucial thing: He is good, and He is enough.
I want to love the God of the call more than the calling, and while I would love to know every detail of my next steps, God loves to unwrap His beautiful and intentional plan for me in His perfect timing- in a way that specifically woos and speaks to the heart He uniquely knit for me. What an adventure it is to wait for His plan and to excitedly discover what He has in store!
I came to PSL fearing my future. I am leaving loving my God and excited to pursue His heart, not my next steps. Although, spoiler alert (this just points even more to the mind-blowing greatness of God and how much better His plan is than mine): at PSL, I have recently learned of an awesome opportunity of a 6 month leadership development program in Andalucia, Spain (where I lived for 6 months and where I left a part of my heart) called G42. Just as I am relinquishing control of my future and thanking God for His steadfast faithfulness (instead of whining to Him that He isn’t moving like I want Him to- unfortunately more typically my fashion), He reveals to me an opportunity that far exceeds even my wildest dreams. I came into today thinking I was vision-less, and I’m ending it realizing that He knows my heart more than I do, and He just loves to romance me and provide beyond my limited conception. I have no idea if I will be accepted into the program (applying isn’t even a question), or the details of how it will happen, but I am pumped to continue to seek the Father’s face, to join Him in the good He’s doing instead of trying to make my own way, and to refuse to steadily decline and coast into a life of a lot less adventure, a lot less joy, and a lot less Jesus.
