HAPPY EASTER from Malaysia!
Holidays are a time of reflection, and today I'm overcome by where I've been, where I am now, and where I'm going. This year has been the hardest and best year of my life. I spent Thanksgiving with a wonderful family in Kenya. I spent my first Christmas away from home in Rwanda, where I walked through tragedy with my teammate Jessica as her mother passed away on that very morning. Now I'm in Malaysia for Easter, where I'm realizing more than ever the significance of this day.
On the evening of Good Friday, our team gathered with our host and his family, along with another team who just arrived. We sat in a circle of plastic chairs in an essentially empty room above a local shop. Nothing fancy… just us and the Holy Spirit. The open window revealed a breathtaking backdrop of a pastel pink and orange sunset~ evidence of God's beauty and love. As the Islamic call to prayer rang out for all to hear, a constant daily reminder of the spiritual battle we face here, we drowned it out with songs of worship to our Lord and Savior. For the first time since I've been here, I set aside the consequences of voicing my religious beliefs and I sang my heart out to Jesus. In the comfort and privacy of that room I hit my knees in prayer and thanksgiving for the pain he endured on that afternoon so many years ago, and I finally felt like I had a glimpse of understanding for what the cross really symbolizes. I find myself praying often for more understanding of His love, just a little more knowledge of how deep, and how high, and how wide it is. This Easter I think He's given me a little more, and I don't want Him to stop… it's an addictive blessing. Although the holidays definitely bring thoughts of family and friends, today I can rest in knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be… no personal agenda, no distractions, just Him and His plans for me.
our Good Friday service
(photo by Jordan Dale)
This month has been a bit of a struggle– we are in the middle of nowhere, a small rundown town in Malaysia, while other teams are frolicking on the coast and spending time on the beach. Fortunately (or in this case unfortunately) we have internet this month, which constantly reminds us of what we're "missing out on" in our remote location of Malaysia. Facebook can be such a wonderful way to stay in touch, but it can also be such a stumbling block for me, causing struggles with comparison, jealousy and ungratefulness. It's hard not to let my human nature get the best of me while Facebook stalking my friends and seeing all the fun they're having & simultaneously making myself a cup of instant oatmeal or a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for the 20th day straight. I constantly have to depend on the Lord to remind me of all that I am blessed with and all that I have to be so grateful for… to remind me of all the hurt and suffering I've seen over the last 9 months… to break my heart for those who don't even know Him. It still never fails to amaze me how selfish and shallow I can be as a human. I've been challenged in my motives, my obedience and my faith. But the Lord has given me so much peace and so many blessings this month, including the opportunity to spend some time painting a mural for the center and doing art with the kiddos.
my Malaysian-themed mural of the activities available at the center…
kind of ironic that Malaysia has twin towers AND a flag that looks so similar to ours!
we hosted an art class one morning for the little ones where they did self-portraits~ they are precious!
(photos by Jessica Gasperin)
As the end of this journey draws nearer (I'll be home at the end of May!), please pray for my focus and dedication in these last weeks. I don't want to be distracted by thoughts of where I COULD be or what I COULD be doing. I want to be consumed by where I AM and the ministry I'm in. I want to be in the HERE and NOW, with my feet and heart in the same place. I want to be focused on HIM and the people he has placed around me. I want to be consumed by His love and overflowing with His love, spilling it out onto those around me.
I am desperate to discover HIS plans for me, to be led by the Spirit each and every step of the way. While I don't want to be worrying about what's next (it's kind of inevitable knowing that I will be home in less than two months and having no idea what I'm going to be doing), I definitely desire his peace and guidance for the next phase of life. I'm still prayerfully seeking what He is calling me to do when I return to the states in a few short weeks, whether to return to architecture and begin studying for my licensure exams or discover other opportunities he may place in front of me. When I was in Kenya, I felt the Lord calling me back to architecture– to let him redeem the stressful and unpleasant experiences I had and to rely on Him– to let him be my strength, my peace, and my security in a profession where I had always felt insufficient and inadequate– to discover opportunities for using architecture for His glory, whether that be mission trips to build overseas a few times a year, or finding a firm or organization that does pro-bono work. But there is a lot of fear and insecurity surrounding the field of architecture for me– I am terrified of studying for and taking the 7 architecture exams I need to pass to be liscensed. I am consumed by fear after being out of the field and out of school for this long, and especially trying to relearn all of the information I would need for those exams. I would have to rely on Him and step out in faith in order to find success and happiness there. I want to be open to the fact that He may have other plans for me, but I don't know if I could live with the guilt of not making a career out of architecture after having put so much time, energy, stress and money into it. Would I feel like I was letting myself and my parents down?
I have also been trying to "dream with God", something I hope to do much more of during these weeks before returning to the states. I really want to discover all that He has for me, and I desire the fullness of His plans. I don't want to come back home and settle for less than He has for me, simply because I'm scared of failure or struggle. I want to live out the calling He has on my life, whether that be architecture, ministry, or something I haven't even discovered yet. Please join me in praying for His calling to be obvious, for His voice to be loud and clear, and for Him to reveal the desires of my heart and then blow my mind by making them a reality!
