i've been feeling impatient over the past week because i didn't seem to be getting any clear revelations or epiphanies from the lord. i seemed to be coasting a little & i was worried that i was becoming complacent. i soon realized that the lord was answering tons of prayers and changing me in many ways~ even though some of the changes are subtle, slow & steady. the past few days, i've gained so much insight from the lord and my teammates.
first, i've realized that there is definitely no formula for growing in faith or intimacy with god. i'm trying to find the balance between doing my part/ not getting complacent, but also not putting pressure on myself to perform or mark my spiritual duties off a checklist each day. i'm finding that even though i've felt the need to earn others' love through performance & achievement in the past, i don't need to DO anything to earn the lord's love. i already have it in abundance! he's not going to love me any more or any less if i complete all of my spiritual tasks each day.
i found myself feeling stressed out each day because i was trying to squeeze everything in that i felt would bring me closer to god: prayer time, quiet time, praise & worship, personal time, team time, quality time with individual teammates, time in the word, etc. even though i had the purest intentions of seeking the lord and making the most of each day, i ended up making it a list of chores, rather than finding joy. i was doing many things, but doing none of them well or whole-heartedly.
i'm finding that it is better to come before the lord first and seek his direction for that day. each day may look different. for the first time in my life, i may not have a schedule or consistency~ and i can find true freedom and growth in that if i can learn to just BE! i'm really working on just sitting at the feet of the lord & asking him to reveal himself to me & also reveal what he wants from me at that given moment. i'm being encouraged to spend my time doing whatever it is that the lord is putting on my heart at that moment, rather than doing something out of obligation or the fact that i still have it remaining on my checklist for the day.
along these same lines, my team has been struggling a little bit with really bonding and reaching a deep level of intimate friendship and trust. we have tried so hard that i think it's become an awkward chore. i came into this community thinking that if everything was fun & games that we would miss out on spiritual growth. i was so fearful that if i was having fun, that i was not focusing enough on god. i was convinced that if the group was laughing and joking at feedback time, that no one was going to get deep and bring meaningful discussion to the table. but the more i forced the "serious" atmosphere on myself and my team, the more we began to internalize and pull away from eachother. i'm at the point of surrender… i tried it my way, and my team was loving & respectful enough to give me what i thought we needed, but now i see that the lord has so much more for my team than reverence and seriousness. he wants us to be a family full of joy, love, & true friendship.
i had decided that my goal for this month was to find joy, especially in the small things. i wanted to discover my childlike qualities & silly side. i wanted to let go of the pessimism, cynicism, and idea that i have to be so mature and serious all the time. these personal goals are now also becoming my goals for our team this month. to gain strong relationships with eachother through fun, laughter, and joy. in order for us to get to a deeper level of trust and friendship, we have to be able to enjoy eachother's company… so my hope for our team is that we can really find a new playfulness with eachother & through that enter into a level of friendship that brings about trust & growth. please join me in prayer for strong individual relationships across my team, a strong unity & bond as one body, and for openness, vulnerability and trust.
and by the way… i love farm life! today i found joy in loving on my favorite calf & picking beans at the greenhouse!
