"I'm not friends with fat girls"
I heard that when I was 10.
"Why don't you just shut up and drink a slim fast .. Better yet, just go kill yourself"
I was 13 when I heard that.
"You're so fat .. Go put a gun to your head"
I was 16 for that one.
I have heard about how fat I am for my entire life. I have heard it from people close to me and kids my age for as long as I can remember.
And now, I have heard it in every country I have been to on this trip.
Weight has always been a struggle for me. I could eat healthy and exercise for weeks and shed only a few pounds.
When I was a sophomore in high school I took eight classes, which meant I didn't have a lunch. At first, this was not a big deal. But as the comments kept coming I started to eat less and less. I skipped breakfast. No one noticed that because I left for school before anyone else woke up. I didn't eat lunch, well, because I didn't have one. Most nights, I was on my own for dinner because I went back to school for band or other activities, so I ate a very small amount. Those closest to me didn't notice for some time.
A health class and a good friend saved me from doing a lot of harm to myself.
In America, talking about a person's size is rude and mean. In other countries, the words fat, big, and large are all descriptive words. In America, skinny is beautiful. In most of the countries I have been to it is opposite. I tried getting used to being described as the big one or the fat one because I knew it wasn't meant as a mean thing. It was still hard to deal with because I was called so many mean names all my life. I can't seem to get used to these words though. There has been so much hurt from them, that spending seven months wanting to get used to them has not been possible. It still hurts so much even though I know the people behind these words mean well.
"Some of the people here, they ask me where your children are and why they are not with you. I tell them that you are only 24 and you do not have children. They say to me, What? She looks like she should have about 3 kids!"
That was a new one. And after hearing that, I broke.
I was on a slippery slope and I started to fall. Hard.
I didn't stop eating entirely like I did in my past. I knew I would be caught. I stopped eating enough. At lunch one day I put a very small amount on my plate and ate slowly so no one would notice that I had so little to eat. I did the same thing that dinner. For breakfast, I had half of what I would normally eat. At lunch I was so hungry but I was done being the fat girl. So I put a very small amount of food on my plate again. This time, I thought I was caught. A teammate looked at my plate and asked if I wasn't very hungry. I said no I'm not, trying to hide the sound of my obnoxious stomach. She believed me and I let out a sigh of relief. That was too close.
While we were out evangelizing I felt so ill. I thought I would fall over. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't focus on anything other than my lack of energy and need for food. God's still, small voice was loud and clear in my heart. Why are you doing this to yourself? You are altogether beautiful, my daughter. I delight in you. I don't want you to believe the lies of this world. I want you to believe the truth of what I think of you.
When we got back home, I felt awful and dinner was still hours away. I asked for some bread and sat during team time eating this bread knowing very well I would need to share all of this with my team.
When I started talking it all came out in a blur of emotions, words and tears. My team sat with every ear and every heart set towards my heart and my struggles. I was given many words of encouragement and had so much life spoken into me.
Later that night, I had a vision of myself climbing up a never ending rock wall. Just when it seems like I am getting closer to the top I fall down, but never all the way to the bottom. I am caught by the safety harness and I cling to the rocks in my hands and under my feet. God is my safety harness. He has been and will always be there to hold my hand whenever I need him to. And the rocks were all the words of encouragement and life that have been said to me during my life. The wall seemed never ending because the amount of hurt greatly outweighs the amount of encouragement. This is not something I can just climb out of in a day or two. It will take some time for me to be able to walk out of this and reach the top of the rock wall. But someday I will make it.
For now, I hear God's thoughts about me every day. I ask him to reveal them to me, and he does. And these truths are the same for you. They are right there in your Bible.
I am delightful.
I am wonderful.
He delights in me.
I am beautiful.
I am the apple of his eye.
I am protected from the enemy.
There is nothing I can say or do that will keep me from the Father's love.
I am his daughter.
I am precious.
I am uniquely made by a unique Artist.
I am worthy; of being heard, of being called His daughter, of crying on someone's shoulder, of laughing and singing and dancing.
I am worth it.
And so are you.
You are worth more than what the world says about you. You are worthy of the Father's love and to be called His son or daughter. You are worth being told of your worth. If you ask Him what He thinks of you and to show you His love for you, He will answer you.
I am still climbing the rock wall, and even though I might slip I am not going to fall because my Father is holding my right hand and covering me in His truth every day.
I am praying the same for you. That you can discover your true worth and start believing the truth of what God thinks about you. I want you to start to see how wonderful you are and just how much the Father delights in you.
I have been on this journey for almost seven months and will be in Africa for the next two and a half. I will be heading to Nepal and India for the last two months. To get there and finish strong I need to be fully funded. The most recent amount I have had in my account is $13,190 and I need to have $15,500 in my account as soon as possible so I don't have to leave early. If you want to help me with the last $2,309 click here to make a tax deductible donation. I still have more to learn and grow in here on the World Race. I am part of a tight-knit community here that I didn't have at home. It is this community that is helping me grow exponentially. Without this community, I wouldn't be able to share my heart and have anyone to help me walk through my struggles. I want to be here. I need to be here. I need your help.
Please keep me in your prayers; that I am able to keep growing and learning more about myself, and that God provides for me and the others on my squad that still haven't reached this deadline.
Thank you for reading all the way through this blog and becoming part of what I have been going through for years. Thank you for your prayers and your support. Thank you for allowing me to be real and vulnerable. Thank you for loving me.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
