This month has been a whirlwind. Time on the race doesn’t make sense. It has been forever and yet has flown by at the same time. It seems so long; I feel as though I was born and raised in Africa, but I also feel like I left for launch only last week. But here we are entering month three. Rwanda was a lot different than Uganda. The country itself is green, clean and beautiful. If God told me it was the home of the garden of Eden I wouldn’t be surprised. The countryside is just that beautiful with the rolling hills and flowering trees. As for our ministry, it was mainly Evangelism. We gave Sunday morning messages, led small group devotions and taught bible stories and songs to children at different schools. One week we even went to have prayer and a devotion at a hospital.
Our host was wonderful. Fatier is a widow of three years and mom to everyone she meets. She loves the Lord, is welcoming and treated us as if we are her own girls. We lived in her home. We slept two and three to a room, in comfortable beds with mosquito nets. They cooked every meal for us. We even had a western style toilet outside and a washing room inside where we took our bucket showers.
As I said before, Rwanda is beautiful. We lived in a village, three hours outside of the city. We were surrounded by green lush scenery. It’s truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. We walked about 3-6 miles everyday to and from ministry, 5 times a week. The sky is the most beautiful. The way we are situated, it almost looks like we are under a dome of clouds. It really was breathtaking and at night the sky is littered with stars (so much so it reminds me of my parents home).
I turned 27 on the twenty fifth, which happened to be on a Sunday. That morning I delivered a message to the congregation. For the first time, speaking in public didn’t make me want run and hide or throw up. I didn’t worry that everyone would realize I was a fraud who knew nothing. I knew that the Lord was going to give me the words and that what I had to say had meaning and purpose. That night after dinner, Fatier surprised me with a delicious cake and sodas. It was a wonderful surprise and all together a great birthday. Of course, it came with some repercussions but I’ll get to that later on.
I also had the opportunity to go on a safari at a nearby national park. I saw zebras, giraffes, wart hogs, lions (though kind of far off) and antelopes. The park itself was beautiful. It was an adventure I had always wanted to do, and finally got to.
For a holiday, we even made homemade chocolate chip cookies. They were a little burned and mushy but they tasted good! The team had fun making them together. Nothing brings girls together quite like chocolate, sugar and butter. We also played trivia that night and to everyone’s surprise (or maybe just to my own) I actually won. Another thing our team did this month was have dresses made. I actually had a skirt made and a headband, but the others got dresses. My pattern is very pretty and I am glad I chose to get a skirt.
As a whole, this month has been pretty amazing.. I have been incredibly blessed and the Lord gave me a lot of thankfulness and peace over it at the beginning of the month. I had every reason to be happy and excited about my experience this month and for the first three weeks I was.. But as I said earlier, my birthday had some repercussions. I found myself living the last week of ministry with the blues.
In Uganda, I was surprised at how little home sickness and sadness I felt over being away. And this month, the day after my birthday, it finally hit. I don’t even know why and I feel a little guilty about it. I’ve tried to remind myself that it’s normal. I just had a birthday, half way around the world from my friends and family. It was a wonderful birthday and I love my team, but I wasn’t with the people I normally am with. I didn’t get to go out to eat with my family. I didn’t open a present from my mom. I didn’t get a birthday card from Dan and Kelly. I didn’t get to have a birthday date with Drew. It was a good birthday, but it was different. So I know it’s okay to mourn that a little.. I just don’t know why it lasted as long as it did. Sometimes though, it’s okay to not be okay. And that is something I am learning. For the first time I am surrounded by a community of people who are very open about what they are struggling with (vulnerability is a big thing on the Race) and so I am a little more comfortable being moody/sad around them. In the past I’ve had it so engrained in me that being vulnerable is a weakness and have been so shut down by people when I talk about struggling, that with most people I don’t, because I am afraid they will think I’m a negative person and won’t want to be my friend anymore. I thought “if I really let them see me, they won’t like it. No one likes a person who isn’t always happy”. I know it’s impossible for anyone to always be happy and sometimes you just need to say, “I’m not okay today”. That is what the Lord is teaching me, to be vulnerable and open with people and be okay with it. Vulnerability scares some people and so they might not like it, but it doesn’t make me weak or negative.. It just means I am open about the fact that I am not perfect. I will no longer apologize or feel guilty for hurting, feeling or struggling. If I go into it with guilt, it makes it a bad thing and so others will regard it as bad. Maybe my willingness to be comfortable being vulnerable will inspire those around me to do the same.
So, as I prepare for Ethiopia, I find myself apprehensive. I have no idea what to expect and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I am nervous I will have another week of the funk. But I have to put my trust into God. I know He will not leave me. I know He goes before me and He has a plan to use me. I also have to remember that it’s okay if I do get sad, as long as I don’t dwell in it and let it affect my ministry. AND I have a team of friends who are willing to work through that with me. God is showing and growing me a lot.
I miss my family, my friends, my boyfriend and my traditions… But I’m headed into month 3, and I know the Lord has a lot planned for me over the next 9 months. He will use me, mold me, and turn me into exactly the woman He created me to be. I’m not going to feel guilty when I’m sad or not feeling it. I am going to allow myself to mourn the things I miss. Then I am going to move on and live the life the Lord has given me for this year. Praise be to Lord for opportunities, for times of excitement and for days of sadness.
Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? 2 My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. 4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 5 The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. 6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. 8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.
