Sometimes God Speaks to You in the Bathtub

 

 

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about weaknesses and spiritual attacks.. And I thought I had it under control. I followed all the steps. But then I was hit with something I didn’t expect. He hit my relationships and he filled me with emotions I wasn’t used to: jealousy, resentment and anger. Most people may expect this to be their area of weakness or testing… I didn’t. I am very rarely angry (frustrated, yes but angry, no) and while I am very friendly and approachable to strangers, I emotionally distance myself from friends typically, never really letting them in enough to let it hurt me if they let me down. So, In my mind I guess I thought if they weren’t that close to me, he would have no reason to use them against me. 

 

 

He made me feel incredibly isolated at first…friends who talked to me regularly became more distant and busy. Friend’s friendships with others began to grow. I started to feel as though I had already left and people were already moving on with their lives without me. Then, when I was at my loneliest, he began chipping away at my relationship with my roommate, Kristan. Like me, Kristan is stepping out in her faith and feeling a little vulnerable (though she won’t admit that so don’t tell her I said so…shhh). The enemy inserted a problem into our friendship that took us both by surprise. While we joked about it at first, feelings of resentment and anger started brewing in my mind and after a while I began taking her words out of context.. And a few things maybe not so out of context. After all, she was struggling with the same problem as I was and a few other things too.

 

So, let’s fast forward a few days to Saturday night, the night before I had to stand up and tell my church family about the world race. I was struggling with the words to say, the confidence to stand up and say it and feeling like not only was I going to say something stupid and embarrass myself (this happens a lot) but that I didn’t deserve the opportunity. Mix that in with the anger stuff and I was practically exploding with emotion (which is kind of usual, just with completely different emotions)…Thats when my roommate told me that my lack of acknowledgement and thankfulness for the spiritual gifts the Lord had given me was a disgrace to Him. At that point, already reeling with emotion, I think I kind of lost it..Anger and defeat surged through me. I felt (at that moment) like it was another thing to add to my ever growing list of failures. I had no idea how I could possibly get up the next morning and tell my church about such a wonderful mission opportunity when I felt so… Hateful, disgraceful, unworthy. I haven’t felt so defeated and lost since I was in the 6th grade (but that’s a story for another time…maybe). It doesn’t sound like it would be a big deal… And normally I don’t think it would have been, I just hadn’t been myself for so many weeks I had forgotten how I would usually handle it. Not knowing what to do to calm down, I just started running bath water.( By the way… If you’ve never taken a bath to escape your life, I suggest you try it). ANYWAY, there in my bathtub, I called out to God telling Him I don’t understand the anger I feel… That I don’t know how I deserve to go on this beautiful adventure He was calling me to and that I needed Him. I told Him of my brokenness; that my friendship with Kristan was deteriorating and I couldn’t stand feeling the way I did any longer. Then and there, under the water, I heard God so clearly tell me to go to Kristan and pray with her. So I did. We prayed together on the living room floor and I shivered as the anger left me or possibly from the cold and my wet hair… Or maybe both. The point is, that anger simmered and it was replaced by a sense of peace and a little guilt at the way I had been acting toward her (actually everyone around me). Even if I didn’t agree with the situation or problem happening with us, I should have been able to handle it better. We prayed healing and protection over our friendship; that God would bind the enemy over us.

 

Sunday morning, I felt better. I got up and told the church about the World Race and to my great surprise I didn’t fall on my face or say anything overly embarrassing. I give that to God. I don’t even remember what all I said to be honest. His words just sort of flowed out of me. Kristan and I are healing and getting back into our natural groove. I still take some of her words a little too harshly, but I can identify that I’m doing it now. I know that it isn’t over. I am still going to have feelings of loneliness and isolation. Maybe even feelings of jealousy and resentment… But now that I know he is using it against me, I can identify when it’s happening and stop it before it spirals out of control again.

 

I don’t like the person I’ve been these past few weeks. I broke one of the biggest commandments. I didn’t show any kind of love to my neighbor (my brothers and sisters in Christ at that). I could let guilt and shame over take me, but that would be another tactic to distract me from God’s plan. I’ve prayed for forgiveness and handed that sin over to God. The bible makes it clear that when we accept Jesus Christ into our hearts and give our sin over to Him, repenting of it, that sin becomes His and that His grace covers it. To hold on to that shame would be like saying His sacrifice and His grace is not enough; like my sin is too big for Him. It would also serve as a distraction and a way of weakening my walk.

 

I prayed for weeks about it, up to that Saturday night in my bathtub… So what made it different? Why did God choose to answer me then? Maybe because I was coming to him broken, empty and feeling so lost that I had no other choice but to be completely open with Him. Maybe my prayers were not sincere enough or maybe it just wasn’t Gods time to answer them. Maybe He knew I would be too stubborn to hear Him until that point. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for Gods timing. I am thankful that He loves me enough to take me when I am broken, weak and empty and fill me up again. I am thankful that He has surrounded me with people that love Him. I am thankful that He doesn’t hold my sin against me. He loves me in spite of seeing the ugly in me (and He sees WAAAYYY more of it than anyone else). He doesn’t condemn me or tear me down. He builds me up, taking my sin away, and His power is made even more evident in my weaknesses (my self consciousness and self-defeating nature). For where I am weak, He may shine the brightest. Should I rise up, do something courageous, walk boldly…it would be evident to anyone who knows me that it was not through me but through Him that I was able to do so. This is why He calls me, someone so undeserving…so that I may bring glory to His name through my journey. I can be made strong in Jesus Christ. Is that as beautiful to you as it is to me? It makes me smile…it also makes me want to spend more time in my bathtub (at least for the next 6 months anyway)!

 

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