I am getting so much out of this journey, growing in ways I never imagined, closer to God than I’ve ever been and really making a difference for His kingdom.
That’s what I would like to tell you. It’s how I wish I really felt. But for the past two months I’ve felt everything but that.
The truth is, I’m hurting. I want to come home and I know that I can’t. I’m lonely. I’m on a new team and I just don’t feel connected yet. I’m at that point of the race when the new and exciting has worn off for people (believe me, I understand it) and so they are not messaging as much. My ministry has been extremely limited. Because of that I feel like I am not really doing anything and I’m worried that you will all be disappointed in me and feel like sending me on this journey was a waste of your money and efforts. I worry because I often feel that way myself. After some serious spiritual attacks on my prayer and worship life last month, I feel farther from God than I have in quite a few years.
I was told the world race was hard. I knew without a doubt it wouldn’t be “the best year of my life”. I was told about the spiders, about the living conditions, about missing your people at home, about hand washing my clothes and bathing in buckets. I heard all about the different foods, the language barriers and how hard community was to live in. I read blog after blog that described those things in detail…But they always ended with the awesome ministries that they worked with, God showing up in miraculous ways, and great spiritual journeys that could only happen abroad.
I wish I could tell you this blog was going to have one of those happy endings. That it will all be tied up in a perfectly resolved package. But it’s not.
These are the things I know to be true: I know God is here. I know He is doing amazing things in the countries I’m visiting and in the people hearts I’m having the pleasure of meeting. I know that my supporters won’t read this and feel that I have let them down. I know that I won’t always be in this funky place I’m currently trying to scramble out of. I know eventually I will go home (they say I have only five months left, but that feels like an eternity) and I will at some point look back and shake my head at how fast it all flew by. I know I will regret all the happy feelings I didn’t have and all the opportunities I’m sure I will feel that I missed. I know God is good and He is going to teach me something profound and life changing…maybe He already is.
I know those things, but right now I just feel alone, disappointing and homesick.
I didn’t write this blog for sympathy or advice. I just want to be honest with you and let you know where I am right now in this moment. Missions isn’t an awe inspiring adventure everyday and missionaries are just normal people trying to do the thing God has asked them to do.. And sometimes we don’t do a great job at it. And even if I don’t feel it right now, I know my identity is not in how well I think I do as a missionary.. It was settled at the cross and I am no less if I feel like I am failing at this or if I disappoint someone. God still sees me the same, atoned for and perfect through the blood of my savior. This is what I cling to.
Micah 7:8 “Rejoice not over me, o my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light for me”.
Psalms 3:3 “But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head”.
I love you and miss you all. Please don’t worry, the remainder of my months will not be spent in this funk. Five more months after this one! God is working in each of these countries and He is using me and teaching me and growing me in them. Thank you for loving, encouraging and supporting me like you do! 🙂
